Showbizz empresario, singer and music producer, Alistair Izobell recently released a self-published book titled, “Broken to Heal”, detailing his life and struggles with depression. This darkness in his life led him to attempt suicide. Here is an extract from his book.
“Depression is a strange and horrible illness, especially as I did not know what was happening with me emotionally and mentally. Ek was heel tyd kwaad (I was angry all the time). I had no control of my emotions.
I used to look for everything that was wrong. I created drama. As an adult, I was negative about life, embracing anger and recklessness, devoid of any logic. I believed that I was in complete control of the decisions I made, but there was no control.
When I reflect now, I remember all my volatile, ridiculous decisions and how I believed that everyone was against me, yet all that I was doing was pushing away everyone who loved me. My thought process was so disconnected from reality.
Many times, I'd blame everyone around me for things that weren't working. I was so out of touch with reality, that I convinced myself that everyone else around me was mad, not me. For instance, Kim watched me make so many bad financial decisions as a producer, but all I thought was that she didn't want me to be successful.
In my mind, everyone else thought I was great, but in actual fact they were laughing at me behind my back. I went into a dark hole.
I was not active as I should have been in Jade's life. I let Kim make all the decisions and take on the responsibilities of raising our beautiful little baby, since I lacked the capability to contribute.
I tried being present, but I was not able to be what Kim needed to support her. I tried every day, but I just couldn't. I loved our little baby so much, and I loved Kim, but I did not know how to be a good dad nor husband.
Writing this now breaks my heart because I am finally confronting it all. There were times that I would come home after a night of binging to find Kim crying, because she had been alone with our baby, who had colic, all day.
I would try to get Jade to sleep while Kim rested. I would place a continental pillow on the floor, attempting to soothe Jade to sleep, only to find myself drifting off while holding the baby. There were moments when the baby slipped from my grasp, falling onto the pillow, fast asleep.
I was constantly angry, and my spikes of verbal volatility became more frequent. I wasn't even aware of the kind of person I had become. I was on edge all the time. Anything and everything set me off, so I was always screaming and shouting unnecessarily.
My mom began calling regularly, asking what was wrong with me and why I was acting out, and that just made me even angrier.
I felt like I was melting from my deep sadness and harsh anger, experiencing highs and lows within minutes. I constantly tried to reconcile and question myself, but I wasn't equipped to understand.
My days became so dark that eventually, I felt no reason to exist. As soon as I left the house, I had to put on a smiling mask, which was a party trick for others – it was a relentless survival pattern.
The only thing that made me feel okay was having more and more alcohol, which made me feel even guiltier about who I was and what I was doing. I would drink until I felt some sort of normalcy.
When I felt down, I would try to speak to myself to feel better, but it didn't work. When I got home after a binge, I would climb into bed feeling guilty about the life Kim was forced to have with me.
Each night, I hoped that I wouldn't wake up again because my family deserved better.
The only time I felt happy was when our extended family would come to our home. I would cook and entertain everyone and did not want them to leave. I would look at Kim and see the pain in her eyes because I did not have the capability to change. I often thought about who she really deserved to be with.
After our guests left, and when Kim had gone to sleep, I would sit in the lounge and weep. I did not know how to fix things, but I wished that I could. In the mornings, more times than I can remember, I couldn't face the day.
I kept thinking that I needed to do better, to try again and make this life work. For years, getting out of bed and putting one foot in front of the other was the hardest thing to do. I begged God for a new chance to change. I never thought or knew that I was suffering from depression.
Whoever thinks that? Looking back at it now, I realise that my deep depression was just my illness I was living with.
I still don't know how I got through the last four decades with this illness.
All I wanted was someone from outside of my life to talk to, someone who could objectively see a different me, but because of my background I couldn't.
I just got up each time and moved on. Depression was destructive and debilitating to everyone in my life. It made me constantly feel inadequate, like I was a no one and that everything I had done was stupid and unimportant.
My self-worth diminished, and everything just continued going downhill, because I constantly embraced and attracted negativity.
I never knew that the illness called depression would manifest in the way it did. Do I feel a notion of loss? Yes, I do, but I am not feeling as I had before.
Maybe it's the tablets that I must take daily. But through all that I've been through, I still want to feel something different from what my reality was.
I was desperate to heal and live a life that fulfilled me and laugh, love and be who I knew I could be deep inside. Something to give me more reason in life than what I felt. I knew it was out there and I knew that it was waiting for me.”