I think I know what Paris Hilton feels like. And not because I've been videoed doing anything lewd on the internet or because I charge six-figure appearance fees.
I'm simply referring to the way heads crane in Ms Hilton's direction wherever she rocks up, and the red carpet treatment laid on for the heiress/actress/singer/whatever. That's the kind of attention I garnered when driving the new Alfa Brera coupé around town for a week or so.
Its exotic shape confers instant celebrity status on its driver with fellow motorists and pedestrians (and even a couple of domestic animals, I could swear) regarding its Giugiaro-designed curves with unconcealed lust.
Alfa's made some good looking metal in its time but the two-door Brera is a shape so lascivious it should probably carry an age restriction.
Or charge appearance money.
The lights look like the slits of a sci-fi cyborg's helmet, the body conveys the look of a well-toned athlete, the retro touches (the rear window, for example, is reminiscent of the old Giulietta Sprint) all blend into a shape that's meant to be stared at. Longingly.
I wish I could say it has the performance to match, but this is where the fairy tale starts to show some cracks.
The Brera 3.2-litre Q4 all-wheel drive (it's also available as a front-wheel drive 2.2) is a bit of a disappointment in the pace department, and is more of a grand tourer than a street racer.
I don't think it's the engine at fault. Alfa's refined new, direct-injection 3.2-litre petrol V6 is eight percent more powerful than the previous unit and wields 11 percent more torque, making 191kW and 322Nm.
The problem is that modern all-wheel Alfas are just too heavy. The Brera 3.2 Q4 weighs a porky 1630kg, which is around 100kg more than rivals such as the two-wheel drive BMW 335i coupé.
So while the Alfa media release crows about things like the engine's optimised stochiometric pressure, variable valve timing and so on, the bottom line is it's all muzzled by too much mass.
The result is a power delivery that, while clearly not short of cruising muscle with its 240km/h top speed, isn't impressive in a standing start.
The stopwatch figures bear this out; Alfa claims the Brera 3.2 will sprint from 0-100km/h at sea level in 6.8sec - but we clocked a far less lively 8.4sec at Gauteng altitude.
That's not slow, but not as racy as you'd expect from something with this much visual venom and that sells for R485 000. A Golf GTI costing half the price gets there in 7.7.
Good on paper
The new engine has variable valve timing to optimise low-rpm grunt and 90 percent of its peak torque is available from 1800rpm. Again that's good on paper but not against the stopwatch, and the car feels fairly docile when overtaking in a high gear.
Downshifting becomes more of a necessity than an option, so it's just as well that the six-speed shifter moves with great precision and slickness.
What the flagship Brera loses in white-knuckled pace it makes up for in general feel-good character. The V6 engine blends smooth refinement with an emotive sound, a muted roar that adds a few imaginary kilowatts to proceedings.
The car enjoys being thrashed through corners, displaying good agility with minimal body roll, and a highlight of the Brera is its sharp and beautifully weighted steering.
The nimble handling doesn't come at the cost of too much ride quality and the coupé drives over rippled roads with more composure than many a stiffly sprung sports car.
Solid feel
The imported Italian feels solid and there's minimal body judder, and notably no cabin rattles. There was a time you couldn't imagine saying such things about an Alfa.
The 3.2 Brera does, however, suffer from the nose-heaviness that's always afflicted big-engined Alfas. It's pretty low, so unless you tiptoe over every speed bump you'll get a teeth-gritting scrape from the front spoiler.
Beneath that broodingly beautiful bodyshell there's a cabin that's not for introverts, with scarlet ribbed-leather seats and red fascia - the antithesis of the drab, monotone interiors found in many a modern car.
It's all charmingly Cuore Sportivo, complete with Italian-labelled warning gauges such as giri for revs and benzina for petrol. The Brera 3.2 comes standard with a fixed-glass panoramic sunroof that gives passengers a greater sense of space.
The front passengers at any rate; the cramped rear seat in this 2+2 coupé is for amputees only.
Bells and whistles
The Brera is well specified, including automatic air-conditioning, a decent multidisc sound system, cruise control, and a handy hill-hold function that prevents the car from rolling back on an uphill start.
For the price you'd expect electrically adjustable seats too, but these are an extra-cost option. Starting is by the press of a button, as is becoming the modern trend, but it's not a one-touch auto system as with some rivals; you have to hold down the button until the engine fires.
Boot and cabin stash space is decent, including a central armrest between the front seats with an air-conditioned storage compartment. The car's sold with a three-year/100 000km warranty, a five-year maintenance plan and it needs a pitstop only every 30 000km.
SUMMARY
Italy's latest stallion has great styling, charisma and a nice engine sound, and I can even live with the lurid red seats, but it doesn't pull G-forces the way it pulls stares.
For 485 grand its half-hearted performance is difficult to swallow when there are cars for half the price that will run away from it on the Reef.