By Michael Booth
Specifications
Would suit:
Americans.
Price:
£31 995 as tested with V6 (about R452 000).
Performance:
198km/h, 0-100km/h in 8.1sec.
General fuel consumption:
21 litres/100km.
There is nothing inherently funny about cars. Really, what's to laugh at? A bunch of metal, glass, plastic and fabric that functions with varying degrees of efficiency.
Driving them is no laughing matter either, most of the time. Now I think about it, cars can be pretty depressing - think of the damage they can do; the envy and resentment they provoke; the fact that some manufacturers still use ruched leather even though I've told them not to.
Cars are, then, about as funny as spin-dryers. There are, however, lots of cars that are inherently ridiculous, for which we motoring journalists are eternally grateful - the Range Rover Sport, for instance. Anything with "CC" in its name, and Chryslers.
And here's another: the new Cadillac SRX. What's so ridiculous about it? Well, in the US this is considered a medium-sized "crossover" vehicle, as opposed to an outright, full-scale 4x4, which is fairly laughable.
I realise Cadillac does make larger vehicles - such as the Escalade, which exerts its own gravitational pull - and it does seat seven, but even by Audi Q7 standards the SRX is colossal.
Then there is the fact that the V8 costs £10 000 more than the V6 - that's the price of a second-hand Fiesta per cylinder.
There is more: people are talking about how this is the best-quality Caddy interior for 30 years but to me it looks, feels and smells like your average Korean (car, I mean). The steering is disconcertingly light and over-reactive, it has about as much body control as Captain Jack Sparrow and the gearbox is a dunce that's never sure what ratio to select.
Cadillac says it is "targeting" the BMW X5 and Mercedes ML; "stalking" would be a better description. Peering at them from behind the bushes while rubbing itself suggestively is about as close as the SRX is going to get to the premium German market.
Then there is the way it looks - square, upright, kind of stiff, with the aerodynamic sophistication of the Watergate Hotel. You don't have to wear a starchy polo shirt and fresh-pressed Gant chinos when driving one but you'll feel more comfortable.
I am prepared to admit that this may be a question of taste and good taste is, of course, that which is appropriate to the circumstances. Dressing like Big Bird for a funeral is bad taste. Dressing like Big Bird for a children's party is kind of weird but probably not so inappropriate.
Good for motorways
Similarly, driving a Cadillac in Michigan is probably acceptable but, even though it comes in right-hand drive flavour to lure the UK market, drive an SRX through a small market town and I'm afraid you'll look a complete dick.
About all the SRX is good for is motorway cruising - as long, of course, as nobody does anything sudden within a buffer zone of about five miles ahead so that you have to change lanes or brake or anything rash like that - and bringing to an end the global tyranny of the oil cartels by draining their diminishing bounty.
Oh yes, and parting insecure fools from their money, for they will surely lose a bundle selling-on their SRX.
"It might not hold its value like an XC90," says Autocar. Now that is something to laugh at.