The only subjects I ever enjoyed at school were cooking and history. I knew that from the age of 13 and the careers officer didn't like it.
"Keep your options open," she said. "Don't specialise until your final year - and while you're at it, try harder at English literature."
But I already knew what I wanted to do - and a cook doesn't have much use for Shakespeare or Chaucer. Two chefs discussing 'Romeo and Juliet' while they're filleting a sea bass? It's not going to happen.
History, though - now there was a subject I could get my teeth into. Alexander the Great conquering the world, beating up Persians, Henry VIII chatting up girls then chopping off their heads, Egyptians dragging massive stones across the desert to pile up on top of a dead pharaoh - this was fun. And that's why I've come to Donnington Castle near Newbury.
A 14th-century bigwig called Richard Abberbury built it, then it was bought by the son of Geoffrey Chaucer (don't know much about him. See above).
When the English Civil War broke out it was held by the Roundheads, then captured by the Cavaliers, then taken by the Roundheads again - who finally decided to smash it down, leaving nothing but this gatehouse (or "porch", as we call it).
The moral being that if you build a house that's a million times posher than all your neighbours', expect them to chuck rocks at it.
Which brings me to this car: the Volkswagen Phaeton. Named after the son of the Greek sun god Helios and a type of 19th-century carriage, it's the flagship of VW's range, costs more than a Jaguar XF and is built on the same platform as the Bentley Continental - but when was the last time you noticed one?
It's the invisible status car: total luxury, impeccable engineering, serious performance but completely envy-proof. Nobody's ever going to scratch a key down the side, or cut you off at an intersection
And they won't steal it: the Phaeton keeps winning awards for being the most secure car on Earth.
At this level, the competition is the BMW 7 Series and the Mercedes S-Class, each brilliant and exuding wealth and influence. By contrast, the Phaeton looks like a fat Passat.
HEATED AND COOLED EVERYTHING
It's a different story, though, once you get inside. The rear seats are so big and the climate control so perfect that it's like walking into one of those "relaxation rooms" they have in spas.
The Phaeton has heated and cooled everything with little fans in the seats to make sure your back's the same temperature as your front. It's even dehumidified, so the windows never steam up.
This is the car that VW boss Ferdinand Piëch decreed must be able to drive all day at 300km/h in 50˚ heat while maintaining a constant temperature of 22˚C inside.
Mine's a little bit different to the car Ferdinand conceived. As of 2009, the Phaeton has new rims, better brakes, a restyled grille and - to keep it in line with the latest Audis, Mercs and Beemers - LED running lights and a rear-view camera.
The fascia's been simplified, although I'd say it's still pretty OTT, with little hatches that slide back automatically to reveal the draught-free four-zone air vents.
BLIND SPOT RADAR
It has a new DVD satnav that doubles as a TV (optional) and you can control all the computer's functions from the heatable, leather-wrapped steering wheel.
The driving position is incredible, though, with 18-way adjustable seats and a good view all round (you get a blind-spot radar to help with that, too).
Under the bonnet you can choose the stupidly fast six-litre W12 from the Bentley Continental but I had the smaller engine in the range, and I think the best choice, a three-litre turbodiesel.
At 177kW it's no supercar but you really don't want to be flinging something this size around the bends, revving madly like an idiot. It belongs on the motorway and sweeping down the fast lane is where this thing comes alive. Or rather, doesn't.
DRIVES BETTER THAN IT LOOKS
The Phaeton does nothing extremely well. At 120km/h the ride is so smooth and quiet that you have to open the window to confirm you're really moving. That's partly due to "double lamination" soundproofing and partly to a great air-suspension system called continuous damping control that keeps you steady and even hunkers down at speed to improve grip.
Its four settings, from Comfort to Sport2, are brilliant: you can actually tell the difference.
The Phaeton drives better than it looks and the feeling inside is equal to anything in car twice the price. There are two quibbles: first, I felt like a chauffeur - but that's par for the course with cars this luxurious.
Second, the resale values are shocking and it's not cheap to run, either. So, if you don't like losing money, this will be a very depressing car to own.
Still, look at Donnington Castle. When they built it, it was an impregnable fortress. Now it's just a front door. That's what I call depreciation.
TECH SPEC
Engine:
3.0-litre V6 turbodiesel
Power:
237hp
Torque:
500Nm at 1500-3500rpm
Top speed:
235km/h
Transmission:
Six-speed automatic with manual sequential shift, all-wheel drive
Standard features:
17" alloy rims, anti-lock brakes with electronic brake pressure distribution, electronic stability programme with electronic differential lock, continuous damping control, parking sensors, DVD satnav/entertainment system with six-CD changer and ten speakers, cruise control, four-zone automatic aircon including anti-misting, heatable front seats, leather upholstery, electric glass sunroof
Optional:
18" alloys, 19" alloys, automatic distance control, side scan lane-change assist, rear-view camera, TV reception, 18-way adjustable heatable front seats with massage and ventilation function, heatable rear seats, 12-speaker enhanced audio, power boot lid.
UK price:
£46 535 (about R605 000).