Ever watched an episode of Star Trek where the Starship Enterprise would be exploring some unknown galaxy, when all of a sudden it would come under attack from a cloaked Klingon vessel?
Ol' Captain Kirk would go into this frenzy and belt out a few emergency commands but the spaceship would be paralysed for a good few moments.
The BMW 330d I tested recently seemed to have a Klingon vessel of its own in the shadows. Its problems surfaced for the first time through some twisties on the way to our testing facility near Pretoria. The Beemer was cruising along when all of a sudden it had a major nervous breakdown.
It started with the ABS light coming on, followed by something called DBC failure, before the Flat Tyre monitor warning kicked in.
The fascia display then flashed messages along the lines of "driving stability, drive moderately", "brake and drive control systems failure", and "reduced braking and driving stability, avoid hard braking".
The scary thing is that once this happened, the 330d transformed itself, safety-wise, back to the mid 1980's. No traction control, no stability control, no ABS - even the cruise control wouldn't work.
We tried an emergency braking test to check whether the ABS system really had gone on strike and it would actually lock up. It had; BMW now has a 330d in its fleet with flat-spotted tyres. We suspect a faulty ABS sensor.
So it's obvious that these safety systems all work together, as they should in an emergency, but we feel they should work independently of each other in terms of internal fuses and sensors to avoid complete shutdown.
Over the test period the problem surfaced intermittently and, being rear-wheel driven, combined with the amount of rain we've been having, it made the 330d a handful to drive at times.
Not promising for a car with about 6000km on the clock.
But when the technical gremlins were kept in their cage, the 330d rocked. It forms part of the 3 Series facelift that happened towards the end of 2008 and, besides some visual tweaks, the 330d scored more power - 10kW and 20Nm to be precise, meaning there's 180kW and 520Nm to play with.
And that grunt is nothing to be sneezed at. To put it into perspective, the current M5 pushes the exact same amount of torque.
In fact, and this is a first for me, I'm going to argue that because of this power the 330d may work better in auto. I say it's a first as I usually prefer manual with turbodiesel because it's easier to overcome any lag issues with a clutch.
WICKED LOW-DOWN GRUNT
In this case there's no lag worth tapping my keyboard over. What there is, however, is loads of torque combined with short gearing, meaning you're constantly stirring that box.
An auto box would just ensure smoother power delivery, while first prize would be Beemer's DCT (double-clutch transmission) box - I reckon you could shave at least three tenths off the 0-100km/h time we achieved.
The low-down grunt is wicked and can catch you with your pants down if you're not ready for it. It's like an afterburner, kicks in quickly, hurls the car forward and before you exhale it's time for a gear change.
Next gear, same story. Get used to the quick changes and you can confidently take on most hot hatches between robots. On the highway the torque is like a steam train, even in sixth. Just flatten the go-faster pedal and enjoy that wave-like surge.
2 500 NEW COMPONENTS
But I can't end this story without telling you a bit more about the midlife facelift the 3 Series underwent, so here goes.
BMW will tell you there are around 2 500 new components in the 3, but most of 'em are below the skin. The ones you need to know about include the bonnet with its new lines and the kidneys with slightly different chrome rings. Nominal changes have been made to the headlights, front bumper and mirrors.
The most welcome change is the new iDrive system. This used to be a finicky system which forced you to navigate through complicated menus using the knob on the centre console.
It would seem that a designer at BMW has since spent some time behind the wheel of an Audi and adopted some of the Ingolstadt manufacturer's user-friendliness.
The 3 Series now has physical shortcut buttons (like Audi) to everyday necessities such as the radio, telephone and navigation. Even the menus are easier to use.
VERDICT
It's difficult for us to overlook the ghost in the system that haunted the car. Even the radio lost its complete station list. The car does become unsafe when the gizmos get grumpy and could cause a very serious problem for the driver and his family. Gremlins aside it's a great package.
For such power the fuel economy is great at less than 10 litres/100km. The cosmetic urgery, though minor, makes it look a bit sharper, and the iDrive is an absolute winner.
ENGINE
Cylinders:
6.
Capacity:
2993cc.
Fuel system:
Second-generation common-rail fuel-injection with electronically controlled variable geometry turbocharger.
Max power/torque:
180kW at 4000rpm/520Nm at 1750-3000rpm.
TRANSMISSION
Type:
Six-speed manual gearbox; rear-wheel drive.
SUSPENSION
Front/rear:
Double joint spring strut anti dive front and five-link rear suspension with coil springs and hydraulic shock absorbers.
STEERING
Type:
Power-assisted rack-and-pinion.
Steering-column adjustment:
Height and reach.
BRAKES
Front/rear:
Vented discs with anti-lock and stability control system.
WHEELS/TYRES
Rims:
17" spoked alloy.
Tyres:
225/45 radials.
DIMENSIONS/WEIGHT
Length:
4531mm.
Width:
1817mm.
Height:
1421mm.
Mass:
1610kg.
FUEL TANK/CONSUMPTION
61 litres/9.7 litres/100km.
250km/h (claimed).
ACCELERATION
0-100km/h:
7.2sec (claimed).
STANDARD EQUIPMENT
Leather seats (partially electric), USB interface, colour-coded and heatable mirrors, rain sensors, automatic headlights, wood trim, central locking, retractable front armrest, automatic aircon, cup holders, start/stop button, multifunctional steering wheel, electric windows, cruise control, tyre pressure monitor, MP3-compatible radio with six-CD changer, Bluetooth.
SAFETY EQUIPMENT
Dual front, side and curtain crash bags, runflat tyres, tyre pressure monitoring system, electronic stability programme with dynamic traction control, hydraulic brake assist.
MANUFACTURER SUPPORT
Two-year unlimited distance warranty, five-year or 100 000km maintenance plan with BMW On Call roadside assistance.
SERVICE INTERVALS
Determined by trip data computer.
PRICE
R432 500.
RIVALS
R437 500 - Audi A4 3.0 TDI Quattro Tiptronic
R453 000 - Mercedes Benz C320 CDI Elegance 7G-Tronic
Test car:
BMW SA.