I recently had the ride of my life. All the amazing cars I've driven over the past three years, the ride-alongs with Formula 1 drivers, the incredible track days... none of that prepared me for what I've just done.
The place? Kerala in India - to be precise, the Taj Malabar Cochin hotel. The time? Half past six in the morning, three hours before my flight home.
I'd ordered the taxi the night before, got about four hours' good kip and stood at dawn in the drive with my bag, taking one last look at the stunning views and thinking how beautiful India and its people are. I didn't want to leave but London was calling.
Then it arrived. Through the gates swept... not the limo I was expecting, but a tuk-tuk. A blooming tuk-tuk, with a storm brewing, three hours to take-off and 36km of bad roads to the airport. I made to complain but the concierge assured me it was no problem: this was the best tuk-tuk in Kerala - the best driver, too.
I can't say I was convinced as he strapped my 30kg of luggage to the back with a 20-year-old length of bungee. Opening the door - that is to say, pulling aside a small flap of blue tarpaulin - I got in, causing the whole vehicle to tilt alarmingly until Kenny the driver climbed in and balanced it.
The first hint that this wasn't going to be an ordinary rickshaw ride came when Kenny started the engine and I heard not the two-stroke scooter noise from which the tuk-tuk takes its name but a much beefier grumble.
Kenny had installed a 500cc Honda bike engine - not that it made much difference as we meandered through the city, his prayer beads banging against the Perspex windscreen with every pothole. But then a truck driver undertook us and flipped the finger and road rage transformed Kenny into the tuk-tuk equivalent of Jenson Button.
I swear, I've never been into praying but taking corners at 100km/h in what's essentially a three-wheeled shopping trolley had me Hail Marying with the best of them.
How he did it I don't know but at one point we were three-wheel-drifting around a bend between a herd of water buffalo on one side and a 50-year-old petrol tanker in the fast lane. To cut a long story short, we got to the airport with time to spare and I got out feeling decidedly more alert than I did getting in. I tipped Kenny well and took his number because next time I go to India I want him as my chauffeur. He's a legend.
UPDATED VERSION
Anyway, thousands of kilometres and a couple of in-flight movies later, my ride at the other end was something far more conventional. In fact, the Mercedes S-Class is virtually synonymous with "limousine". It's the luxury ride of choice for CEOs, presidents and newly-weds alike.
This is the updated version, with a sportier front bumper and LED running lights, engine stop-start to save fuel when you're not moving, and a strip of downlighting around the whole car - which looks brilliant at night.
Mine also had large optional AMG alloys with cool silver brakes, so it looked quite racy for its size - in fact, its torquey three-litre diesel V6 will get you to 100km/h in a respectable 7.8sec and on to a top speed of 250km/h. But really, everything worth knowing about this car goes on inside its silent robot brain.
There isn't a ride on earth with more hi-tech comforts than the S-Class. The latest model has drowsiness detection to stop you nodding off¬ at the wheel, radar in the nose that'll hit the brakes if you're headed for trouble, cameras in the windscreen that read the speed-limit signs, intelligent headlights that dip themselves, an infra-red display that highlights pedestrians at night, a split-view satnav that lets your passenger watch a DVD while you find your way, and a voice-operated audio system that can record any CD to its memory, track name and all. And that's just page one of a 140-page list of features.
RELAX AND ENJOY THE RIDE
Driving a car like this I become a different James.
Gone are the thoughts of drifting round bends or overtaking Sunday drivers. I just relax and enjoy the ride, surrounded by black lacquer, leather, chrome and wide open space.
You don't hear or feel anything in an S-Class. You don't hear or feel anything in an S-Class - which was just as well with a backside still black and blue from those Kerala potholes.
The "Airmatic" air suspension must be about the best in the world and can even be specified to counter crosswinds. If that's still not smooth enough, the seats can give you a massage.
Drifting along in a post-holiday glow, I couldn't think of any reason not to buy an S-Class, but at the same time I don't know anyone who's actually bought one. They just seem to appear at the same places as VIPs.
The problem with the cutting edge is that each new generation of gizmos makes the last one quickly obsolete - so residual values on these are shocking. Then again, you could say the same for Bentleys or Rolls-Royces, but the S-Class is better value than either of those. Especially this one.
GET A CHAUFFEUR
I handed it back a week later and, apart from depreciation I hadn't been able to find a problem. It's big, beautiful, thrillingly modern and above all else a pleasure to drive - but an even bigger pleasure to be driven in.
So save up the cents for a Jeeves or a Kenny because without a chauff¬eur you won't want to go anywhere.
TECH SPEC
Engine:
Three-litre V6 diesel making 200kW and 590Nm.
Top speed:
250km/h (regulated).
Fuel consumption:
7.7 litres/100km (under ideal test contitions).
Transmission:
Seven-speed automatic.
Standard equipment
18" alloys, cruise control, hill hold, parking guidance, automatic engine stop-start at standstill, anti-locking brakes with brake assist, electronic stability programme with traction control, torque-vectoring braking, airmatic suspension, intelligent headlights, dual-zone auto aircon, drowsiness detection, remote-control Comand multimedia system with 200mm 3D satnav, radio, six-disc CD/DVD changer and 7.2GB hard disk, electric glass sunroof, Pre-Safe anticipatory safety system, auto lights and wipers.
Options
AMG Sports package (19" alloys, body styling, 350mm brakes and sports pedals), Eco-Power engine kit adding 27kW, driver assistance package blind-spot assist and radar proximity control, reversing camera, seating memory and comfort package with massage function.