My work as a chef takes me all over the world, sometimes to three different countries in a fortnight. It's got to the point where the only way I know where I am is to look out the window at the car park.
Let's try now: green Bentleys, purple Rollers, matt-black Astons, iridescent Ferraris, what looks like a solid gold Bugatti Veyron... yep, it must be Dubai.
It's amazing how you can be jailed out here for drinking or for being in debt but, when kitting out your car, it's pretty much compulsory to commit crimes against taste that would shock Pamela Anderson.
Luckily, in my bright yellow Lamborghini, I fit right in. Or rather, I don't - since this new convertible from the Bologna bullpen sticks out in any crowd.
Just below my hip in height, the Gallardo LP 560-4 Spyder is seriously low and weighs about as much as a tea tray, but somewhere in its wedge-shaped body is a new 5.2-litre V10 engine, making it more powerful than the previous Gallardo Spyder - more powerful, even, than the Gallardo Superleggera I tested in 2008.
As the name suggests, it produces 560hp (that's 412kW). The '4' stands for all-wheel drive and LP for longitudinale posteriore, meaning the engine sits lengthways behind you. And that's the most explaining I've had to do for a car's name since the Qashqai. Can you just call the next one the Lamborghini Speed, please, lads?
So let's take a look at this new rich man's toy (SA price R3 750 000). I can only compare it to the previous Gallardo and it's definitely better.
The low front spoiler, under the enlarged air intakes, has a sharper jut to improve stability at high speeds. The automatically deploying rear spoiler has a little fin to hold the rear-view camera - a nice detail. Under the skin, they've redesigned the four-wheel-drive transmission, stiffened the body shell and improved the suspension and fuel-injection systems.
The interior bears all the hallmarks of Audi, Lamborghini's owner since 1998. Lamborghinis of old had tacky switches and fascia panels but the high-quality satnav, dual-zone automatic aircon, stereo with USB interface, electrically adjustable sports seats and bi-xenon headlamps with LED running lights could all be straight from my Audi R8.
Not surprising, when the LP 560-4 shares so many of its underpinnings. You can also get an alcantara interior, with a synthetic suede just like in my R8.
What really sets it apart from hi-tech Audis, though, are the seven old-fashioned chromed toggles in the centre console and the simple gearbox that just reads Sport, Auto and Corsa. I like things kept simple in a convertible, because it's the outside world you're supposed to be enjoying.
Lower the fabric hood with the two buttons in the centre console (the rear windscreen disappears, then pops back up to act as a wind deflector) and fire her up and the first thing you notice is the sound: that's no Audi tune from the rear - it's an all-Italian ten-cylinder bark.
ASKING FOR TROUBLE
The noise is intoxicating. I made straight for the nearest tunnel and drove through it again and again just to hear it. In Corsa mode, the revs go up, the gear shifts get quicker and, as if by magic, your right foot gets heavier - each squeeze of the throttle bringing a powerful shove from behind, the intelligent all-wheel drive sending 70 percent of the 540Nm (at 6500rpm) to the rear.
Initially, though, I made far more use of the brakes: there are millions of speed bumps and cameras around Dubai. Luckily, there's a button you can press (though it costs extra) to raise the carbon lip to stop it smashing on those bumps - I probably pressed it about 200 times in my first hour. I get the feeling buying a second-hand Lamborghini in Dubai would be asking for trouble.
But past the cranes the road opens out and the freshly laid tarmac of a still-young city lies before you, your only company the odd camel.
All 412kW can be unleashed there, and what a machine this becomes: steering is race-car-positive, gear changes from the six-speed automatic instant, grip immense thanks to anti-locking brakes, an electronic stability programme with traction control, 45-percent limited-slip rear differential and 19" alloys with Pirelli P Zero low-rolling-resistance tyres.
IN YOUR FACE
You become engrossed in the sound, smell and feel of a V10-engined supercar open to the elements. Doing 0-100 in four seconds flat is even more exciting with the sun on your face and camel dung in your nostrils.
Audi may have waved its magic wand over it but there's something irrepressibly Lamborghini about this car.
They've always been in-your-face cars - if a Lamborghini were in a bar it would slap you for looking at its girl - and for that you've got to love them.
I have, ever since I tacked a poster of the 1980's Countach to my wall as a kid, and I suppose it was the kid in me that was drifting round bends, charging through tunnels in second gear and confusing the camels in my bright yellow 1.2m-high rocket.
I may have looked like a giant wasp, but I didn't care one bit. I was in a Lamborghini. If I close my eyes, I'm still in it now. - London Daily Mail