Have you ever gone mad? I mean really mad, so insane that you lose all control over yourself both verbally and physically? I did, last week - but it wasn't in the kitchen where you'll so often find people in my line of work "doing a Gordon".
It wasn't in the studio, either, or the office or anywhere else I'd expect to be stressed. It happened in the one place I've always seen as a haven and retreat, the little oasis of calm I call my garage.
On a recent visit to Paris I found a beautiful pair of 300-year-old panelled chateau doors for sale. Even just leaning against a wall they looked like a work of art, what with the intricate carving, the paint and the patina from centuries of use. It took a lot of haggling to get the price down from "ludicrous" to "silly" and after sealing the deal I sent them off to be fitted with new frames so I could hang them in my home.
A few weeks later, while I was happily tinkering about in the garage, my PA took a call from the frame-fitters and passed the phone to me.
"What colour d'ya want the doors?" the bored voice on the line asked.
"Sorry - colour?" I said. "I don't want them painted, just new frames. There's 300 years of character on those doors..."
"Oh," the person replied. There was an agonising pause. "I was told to strip them, fill the holes and prime them in white paint."
The blood drained from my face as I realised what had just been done. My 17th-Century doors were now as smooth, white and characterless as a £20 pair from a hardware store. Brilliant - just brilliant. Well, there were a few swear words for Mr Frame-Fitter, to say the least, not to mention a replacement needed for the phone I smashed into 20 pieces, new glass for the picture it hit, plus a new door handle to replace the one I tore off.
Luckily, the Aston Martin Rapide I had on test was well outside my range, or the bill for damages could have been a lot higher. In fact I was lucky twice over because when I'm on a rage-fuelled rampage there's only one thing that can calm me down. A drive in an Aston Martin.
There are few places to sit that are better than an Aston and this one takes it to extremes with walnut, full-grain leather, ambient lighting, "organic electroluminescent" displays (trained glow-worms, I think) and a 1000W Bang & Olufsen sound system.
Sitting there, you get a nice feeling that, like a fountain pen or a posh watch, it could be handed down from father to son. It'll probably still look good in 300 years - as long as you don't let some muppet with a tin of Dulux near it.
SWAN-WING DOORS MAKE ACCESS EASY
But it gets better because, unlike the Vantage, the DB9 or even the awesome DBS, the Rapide has proper back seats. They're large, luxurious buckets set low into the floor, with tapered head restraints and decent legroom.
Between them is an armrest with a glinting metal dial and buttons for the aircon, seat heaters and the two TV screens in the forward head restraints. You can fit two adults back there - swan-wing doors making it easy to get in and out - but the TV screens suggest to me that this is a place designed for kids. Very, very privileged kids.
They've also managed a big boot - and you can electronically fold the back seats for through-loading, a practical touch that surprised me.
Given all this interior space, it's amazing how graceful the Rapide looks from the outside. When Porsche stretched the 911 to make the four-seat Panamera it came out looking all fat and weird but Aston has managed to keep the curves and dynamism of the two-seater intact.
Driving an Aston has always been one of life's purest pleasures and this one doesn't disappoint - though it is unlike the two-seaters. It's quick, to say the least, with a top speed a couple of klicks short of 300km/h, but the larger size means you lose some confidence in the twisty stuff. Cornering is direct but the front needs more help round the bends - it tends to pull wide.
NO FAULTS - A FIRST FOR ME
The ride isn't as firm as you usually get in an Aston, though the Sports mode brings it close.
Yet this car isn't about the track or blatting from A to B - it's for stylish touring on a grand scale. There's zero road noise on reeways, allowing you to relax in a field of leather and enjoy the view.
I looked for faults, I swear I did. I wanted to give a balanced review but in three days I couldn't find one, which is a first for me. Of course, the £140 000 price tag (SA base price R2.8-million) is a huge problem for anybody who doesn't own a yacht but it's good to know that one of the most desirable cars in the world is being made by a British firm.
Anyway, we have one thing in common: I too now have two more doors. They're back from the fitters and looking well after all the trauma. Life is good after all. - London Daily Mail
TECH SPEC
Engine:
Six-litre V12 capable of 350kW/600Nm.
Top speed:
296km/h.
Transmission:
Six-speed Touchtronic 2
Fuel consumption:
15 litres/100km.
CO2 emissions:
355g/km.
Standard stuff:
20" alloys rims with Bridgestone Potenza tyres, 390mm brake discs with ABS, EBD, EBA and HBA, traction and stability control, bi-xenon headlights with LED side and rear lights, limited-slip differential, anti-squat, anti-lift and anti-dive suspension, anti-roll bars, adaptive shock-absorbers, cruise control, hard-disk satnav, front and rear parking sensors, 1000W B&O sound system with iPod connection
Optional stuff:
Coolable/heatable seats, twin-screen rear-seat entertainment system with six-disc DVD player, aux input, wireless headphones and remote control, personalised sill plaques, alternative finishes.