Chris Rea may think that he knows all about the Road To Hell, Talking Heads will tell you about the Road To Nowhere but, until you've strapped on an iPod Shuffle and a pair of running shoes and tried running from Micheldever to Sutton Scotney, you know nothing about pain.
I've done it, folks. After blustering and mithering for 12 months, I've finally started jogging. I got myself a pair of trainers with air-cushioned soles, ergonomic fronts and moulded heels, a grey tracksuit and the first pair of white towelling socks I've owned since 1984.
I wish I could say I looked like Daley Thompson in them, but you have to start somewhere.
Tired of the "Jimmy five-chins" and "three-bellies Martin" comments, I've put the butter on hold and got myself in training.
I tell you what, though, you lose a lot of pounds trying to lose pounds, don't you? What with the gym membership, the indispensable iPod, the £100 shoes and the laundry bills, it's no wonder I put this off for more than a year. And money was weighing on my mind as I was waiting for this week's new car.
At no less than £31 395 (that's about R350 000 - or more, if you spec it up), the VW Golf R (due in South Africa in the third quarter of 2010) is by far the most expensive Golf yet.
I ran a new R32 a few years back - the previous range-topper - and even after speccing it up fully that still cost me less than £27 000 (R300 000).
What's more, it had a 3.2-litre engine, a brilliant one, whereas this is a two-litre. The R was going to have to be something special.
My first impressions were mixed. I'll give you the bad news first, which is that the interior is a bit dull and frugal compared with anything else at this price, such as an Audi S4 or Merc SLK. The steering wheel, handbrake and gearshifter are leather but the seats are cloth and it feels like only a small upgrade from the standard Golf.
Mine came with the optional six-speed DSG dual-clutch transmission, which I don't like. Unless we're talking nanosecond-fast Ferrari shifts, I prefer a manual. Having said that, it seems a lot better on this car than on the VWs I've tested before.
Power seems to play through it more smoothly, with none of that "nodding dog" effect I remember. And it means you can get from 0-100km/h in 5.5sec.
Which brings me to the good news: despite its smaller engine, it's the most powerful, fastest-accelerating Golf yet produced. Instead of installing a V6 as it did before, VW has taken the lighter four-cylinder unit from the current Golf GTi, reinforced it and uprated its pistons, conrods and fuel injectors and given it a more powerful turbocharger and a new intercooler.
The result is 199kW channelled through all four wheels and a band of screaming torque about halfway up the rev range.
ACTS LIKE A SPORTS CAR
It looks better than the old R32 as well, with the meaner, sharper VW "face" and the rounded haunches first seen on the excellent Scirocco.
By the way, there's a Scirocco R too - it's slightly cheaper, with less power and front-wheel drive, but some are saying it's the one they would choose. I'll have to try it sometime.
However, the all-wheel drive is one of the main things I love about this car. It's the only Golf to have VW's 4Motion system that distributes torque to each axle to prevent wheelspin - sometimes sending 100 percent of it to the back wheels, so that it acts like a sports car.
To accommodate it, the R has a wider back track than the standard Golf. It also sits about 20mm lower on stiffer springs and dampers which, combined with adaptive chassis control (checking the car's behaviour 1000 times a second), means it always takes a flat, controlled line through the twisty stuff.
I had it set to Sport, of course, but Comfort is handy these days to smooth out all those potholes that mysteriously appeared in January.
They've added a couple of scary new settings to the ESP programme for people who want to take it out on a race track but, even in its polite mode on public roads, there's a raw thrill to the Golf R that you rarely associate with a family hatchback - which is what this is, don't forget.
WARM FEELING OF EXCLUSIVITY
It comes in a four-door hatch version, the back seats fold down, the cabin's quiet - everything you need from a modest runabout, plus more power than a Lotus Exige.
Put your foot down as you're barrelling out of a gentle bend and you will experience a rush of adrenalin that compares with anything out of Stuttgart or Munich.
And I think I've changed my mind about this DSG gearbox - it's decent. Also decent is the optional DVD touchscreen satnav, although the price is a little steep at nearly £2000 (R22 000) extra.
And that brings us back to the main problem with the Golf R: it's 20 percent more expensive than the Ford Focus RS cult car, although it's not as powerful.
Real speed freaks would probably go for the Ford but I think I'd choose the Golf. It's nicer to look at, the all-wheel drive makes it more practical in snow, rain and mud, and VW is only expecting to sell 350 a year out of 45 000 Golfs, so I'd be able to enjoy that warm little feeling of exclusivity.
Perhaps it's not surprising I fell for this little thing. It's lighter, leaner and faster than before, which is exactly what I want to be. Come to think of it, there's a treadmill with my name on it. I have to get back. See you next week.
TECH SPEC
Price:
£31 395 (R350 000).
Engine:
Two-litre four-cylinder.
Power:
199kW.
Max torque:
350Nm at 2500-5000rpm.
Top speed:
250km/h.
Transmission:
Six-speed dual-clutch automatic with paddle shift.
Fuel consumption:
8.4 litrres/100km.
CO2 emissions:
195g/km.
Standard stuff:
18" alloys, antilock brakes with hydraulic brake assist, electronic stability programme, traction control, all-wheel drive, sports suspension, speed-sensitive power steering, two-zone auto aircon, eight-speaker CD player.
Options:
19" alloys, six-speed manual transmission, adaptive chassis control, cruise control, rear-view camera, DVD touchscreen satnav. - Daily Mail