By Michael Booth
Specifications
Would suit:
Randy otters
Price:
£192 000 (about R2.75-million).
Performance:
About 340km/h, 0-100km/h 3.4sec.
Combined fuel economy:
Joking, right?
They demolished my school a few years ago - I hope with selected teachers chained to the radiators - but before they did I drove there from London in a Lamborghini and parked in the headmaster's space, just for the hell of it.
It was a childish, empty gesture that demeaned me as a human being, undermined any shred of dignity I had clung to since my harrowing school days (yes, I am an old Harrowian, ha, ha!) and quite probably besmirched my escutcheon in the process but, boy, it felt good.
It's a two-fingers kind of car, a Lamborghini. If a Ferrari is seductive, a Porsche appeals to the intellect and an Aston is an automotive rugby tackle, a Lamborghini tells the world you really don't give a gibbon's gonads about any of that.
Brash, macho, devil-may-care, more money than sense, possibly criminal - Lambo man is, to me, all of these things: an oleaginous billionaire in a silk shirt, open to the navel and revealing hints of tanned, hairy man-boobs; slippery and hyperactive, like a randy otter.
Do they all have life-size porcelain leopards in their lounges and girlfriends whose names end in "i"? Maybe not, but it makes my world simpler to think so.
The Murcielago LP640 is the latest staggering eyeful from the company. Out goes the old car's piddling 6.2-litrel, 433kW V12, in comes a 6.5-litre with 470kW.
Before I'd even put the key in the ignition the LP640 had tried to i) gouge my eye out with top the corner of its scissor-hinged door, ii) anally rape me with the seat-belt buckle which, unlike any other car, is by the door sill to trap the unwary, and iii) snap my fingers off with the stereo cover (it really hurt!)
The engine erupted into life, sending a shock wave through the neighbourhood and bringing children scurrying for a look-see. Their dads came too, of course. This is one of those cars that cause men to make curious, sucking noises when they see them and, soon, I was surrounded by a chorus of wheezy vacuum cleaners.
The LP640 is, of course, shockingly fast. Earth languages cannot really convey how fast it feels, but this is the noise I made when I first pressed the accelerator: "Oougrnnnghomorahhweeeeeeeeeeeeee!" And, get this: it has a "Sport" button, if that isn't sporty enough for ya. Sneeze and you are travelling at three-figure speeds, relax for a second and police helicopters will be scrambled.
Hefty but manageable
But it is not in the slightest bit scary to drive. Audi's all-wheel drive and ergonomic housekeeping has changed the nature of the Italian supercar for ever. Anybody could jump in a Murcielago and, despite its considerable girth and weight, drive it without breaking a sweat.
The controls are hefty but manageable, the steering beautifully assisted at low speed and one's man boobs (not mine, obviously) only wobble slightly over bumps.
You still can't see out of it, though; the louvered rear window makes you feel like a character in a Raymond Chandler novel squinting through the blinds to see if the cops are still outside.
They almost certainly will be. - The Independent, London