SPECIFICATIONS
Price on the road:
£69 995 (about R826 000)
Maximum speed:
273km/h (0-100km/h 5.2sec)
Combined fuel consumption:
19 litres/100km/h
Standing just across from the cathedral in Modena, I am diligently scraping the last remnants of pistachio ice-cream from a tub (more accurately, a bucket) with a small plastic paddle. Gorgeous Italian women with high hair and high heels flock around me, moistening lips and fluttering eyelashes.
I refuse to rule out the possibility they are looking at me but they might simply be mesmerised by the dollop of ice-cream trickling down my lapel that my companion kindly refrains from drawing my attention to until much later. I think it's more likely they're sizing up my car.
Although I could have borrowed a Maserati Quattroporte in the UK, it wouldn't have been the same driving to Birmingham in the world's most seductive four-door. If I had been prepared to accept lavish hospitality from a company of whose product I was supposed to be making an objective assessment, I could even have gone to the launch.
But such events are, basically, institutionalised bribery. And, no, I wasn't invited. Instead I flew to Maserati's backyard to savour this gorgeous car in its natural environment. The company moved to Modena in 1939 and the famous trident symbol still towers over the city atop the factory's skyscraper.
These days various Mercs and Audis vie for the title of world's fastest four-door, a title originally held by the first Quattroporte, but Maserati's fifth incarnation is still supercar fast.
With the engine set way back behind the front wheels and the gearbox mounted over the rear axle, weight distribution is similar to a mid-engined sports car so, although the suspension is saloon-soft (at least on standard damper settings - there is a firmer sport package), this huge, five metre-long, two-ton grappa palace tackles corners with an authentic sporting verve.
Assuming you lift the throttle ever so slightly between changes, the semi-auto gearshift does a reasonable job of minimising the whiplash that characterises such systems (save Audi's exemplary DSG).
I wasn't so impressed by the brakes, which clamped their discs with feel and power to begin with then faded alarmingly under heavy pressure. Maserati has judged the engine noise to perfection though, so the 4.2-litre V8 never intrudes at cruising speeds but, if prodded, still gooses one's bumps.
Visually, this Quattroporte is an acquired taste, just as the cars always have been. From some angles it looks downright wonky (the front end is oddly out of proportion, almost C-class-sized compared to the S-class cabin, for instance), but few cars are as arresting in the flesh.
The interior is an orgy of soft, contrasting leathers (make mine royal blue with a dark biscuit interior) and highly polished, inlaid briarwood, but the air-con and stereo controls are of an incongruous, cheap matte plastic.
There are S-class quantities of legroom in the rear, though, with lashings of optional luxuries such as a DVD player, window blinds and folding tables.
The rear seats recline - which makes the back of a Quattroporte just about the coolest place in the known universe as far as I am concerned.
Of course, this wouldn't be an Italian luxury car without the odd emotional problem.
Mine became irrationally consumed by the notion that the boot was open, for instance, and on one occasion refused to allow me to select reverse. But I would willingly suffer such frailties to own my personal automotive pheromone.