I've always thought Little Red Riding Hood was a bit dim to be fooled by a wolf dressed in grandma's clothing. She'd probably cotton on a lot quicker if confronted with Mitsubishi's Lancer Evo IX - essentially granny dressed up as a wolf.
The conversation would go something like this:
"My, what a big spoiler you have, grandma; and a big turbo; and mean-looking bumpers too."
"Yup," the Evo would growl, "all the better to thrill you with, my dear."
And thrill it does. The mad Mitsubishi, like its arch-rival the Subaru Impreza STi, is based on a humble family sedan (hence the granny comment) but given teeth, claws and the whole big, bad wolf treatment.
These cars are built for a small band of hard-core adrenalin seekers; the rest of the world doesn't quite get what all the fuss is about.
However, with that huge boot-mounted aerofoil, they are the height of kitsch to people who glide by in their bread-and-butter Toyotas and Hyundais. But to the boy racers who live life a quarter-mile at a time, these rally-bred cars are the wolf's nuts because they offer pulse-quickening performance and handling at a fraction of the price of "official" sports cars.
The Impreza's had a good few years to build a cult following in South Africa but Mitsubishi, previously worried about the digestibility of our fuel, joined the game much later and the Evo was already in its eighth incarnation when it landed here in 2005.
In March, 2006 it followed up with the Evo IX.
And my, what big teeth it has.
Version nine retains the famed two-litre turbocharged engine but gets extra bite thanks to a new magnesium turbocharger and variable valve timing. Power's risen from 195 to 206kW and while the 355Nm maximum torque is the same as before there's now more of it at lower revs.
Styling-wise, the aggro front and rear bumpers have been redesigned and the aluminium roof has a special ridge for added rigidity.
The gear count has been upped from five to six and handling's been improved by high-performance dampers and lighter 17" wheels. The latest mods, including aluminium side impact bars in the doors, shave off 7.5kg. A meaningless weight saving to most people but a source of almost religious awe in the street drags fraternity.
It all adds up to a visceral experience. The Evo IX is fast, firm and rowdy, with a heck of a noise coming from the tyres and the engine. Like most four-cylinder units, the two-litre doesn't make a particularly charismatic blare, it's just loud.
Jekyll-and-Hyde character
The variable valve timing is designed to reduce turbo lag but there's still plenty of it. This is one of the old style turbo engines, with a Jekyll-and-Hyde character that goes from meek to manic at around 3500rpm. No linear power delivery here.
Mitsubishi claims a 250km/h top speed and sea level 0-100km/h figure of 5.7sec. Our test car's clutch started slipping before we could verify this but it felt fast enough for those figures to be true, and our colleagues at Topcar magazine achieved 5.9 on the Reef - that's quicker than the 6.4sec we achieved with the Impreza STi.
This car is all about hard-core excitement, and even when stationary you can see a heat haze rising from the air intake on the bonnet. Kinda cool, if you excuse the oxymoron, and it adds to the car's exotic feel.
The Evo isn't a particularly easy car to drive, with that turbo lag exacerbated by a snatchy throttle. It makes for a jerky ride that will have your passengers giving you dirty looks at best, or asking you to stop so that they can open the door and have a quick hurl.
Bone-jarringly stiff
The ride is also bone-jarringly stiff. The firm suspension amplifies every road irregularity and driving over anything bumpier than a manhole cover means a potential visit to your chiropractor. Just the way Evo owners like it, I bet.
The granite suspension comes into its own when the road turns twisty, helping the car hold its line through curves like a marble through a hosepipe. The huge carbon-fibre rear spoiler ain't just for show but increases down force for better high-speed handling stability.
The electronically controlled all-wheel drive system is a retuned version of that used in the Evo VIII and Mitsubishi says this is one car where the four-wheel drive system is employed to improve the handling, rather than simply as a means of increasing traction.
Indeed the Evo is talented in both respects, with terrific grip combined with a neutral feel through fast turns that's neither too over- or under-steery. There are three selectable settings operated by pressing a button on the dash - road, snow and gravel - that adjusts the central diff to suit each surface.
Surgically sharp
The steering is surgically sharp, and the car changes direction with sardine-like swiftness. The brakes really bite and don't fade even after repeated punishment. It takes a racetrack to really appreciate the Evo IX.
The cabin is revved up by faux carbon-fibre elements, aluminium pedals and supportive Recaro bucket seats covered in leather and suede. All very sporty but none of it quite succeeds in hiding the interior's generally low-rent feel.
The plasticky dashboard looks like it's out of the 1990's and the steering wheel adjusts only for height.
Bells and whistles are fairly prolific with aircon, electric windows, and all the usual suspects. The Lancer's cabin is one of the most spacious in its class and you can easily cart four buddies along with you to the drag races.
SUMMARY
The Evo IX delivers exactly what those flamboyant looks promise: wild-at-heart performance, with practicality and comfort way down the list.
It's a hard-core sports sedan for those who ain't afraid of pulling the big, bad wolf's tail.