When you're large, it's important to be well-dressed. As a 1.9m lad whose waistline won't always stay within agreed limits, I know this better than anybody.
There are some basic rules that help: you don't want a broad lapel, you don't want stripes or bright colours, you don't want pleats in your trousers and you probably want to avoid double-breasted suits. I've also been told that having your top and bottom in different colours helps break up the bigness.
All I can say is, someone needs to tell the great British public. We're a big lot, as a quick look at the "X Factor" auditions will tell you. I was watching it in September and could only wonder what goes through people's minds to think that (a) they can sing and (b) they can go out of the house dressed like that.
One girl stomped onto the stage to do her bit and, although I've got a widescreen, she only just managed to fit on the telly. Why do only fat girls wear leggings? Anyway, she opened her mouth and out came a sound like... an angel? Sadly, no. More like a bull-moose being castrated. I wasn't really surprised but there are some plus-size people on the show who sing and dress. Big can be beautiful.
Take the great Great British Range Rover, the only car to have a trim level called Vogue (I've always loved that: it's not exactly Twiggy, is it?). When most other "Made in England" cars were being hunted to extinction by the big beasts of globalisation Range Rovers just got better and more stylish, colonising driveways from Beverly Hills via Brunei to Johannesburg.
But that's the problem, isn't it? The world has changed, and now conspicuous luxury is out of fashion. Like those big-boned singers on the "X Factor" stage, to drive one of these is to expose yourself to boos, catcalls, rude gestures and - this happened to me! - people spitting on your windows.
This is the 2010 model, in range-topping Autobiography spec (two grades above Vogue) and with a brilliant new five-litre, supercharged V8. The Spittle Brigade won't like it one bit - although it claims to be more than seven percent cleaner than the old 4.2-litre V8, that still leaves it emitting a whopping 348g/km.
To put that in context, the UK government's tax bands go from less than 100g/km (the tax-exempt Band A) to more than 255g/km (the most expensive Band M). So this baby could lose a third of its emissions and still be in the "most dirty" category.
But I guarantee that if you got behind the wheel you'd find a way to forgive it. Call it fiddling while Rome burns but I see it as a last chance to try a brilliant piece of engineering. Land Rover is already working on super-green replacements for all of its engines, so let's give this one a proper send-off.
The 380kW V8 is the same one used in Jaguar's flagship XJ and the way it moves this two-and-a-half-ton lump of steel and aluminium is nothing short of miraculous. I soon found myself accelerating, cornering and braking as if I were in a sports car.
The new adaptive dampers are the kind they use in fast Mercs, Jags and Beemers, smoothing out the ride when you're on the straight and stiffening up when you turn. Where the old car rolled around like a fairground ride, this one digs into the corners. It gives you a huge sense of confidence.
ABSOLUTELY EVERYWHERE
Pick-up on tarmac is blistering but I also tried it out off-road - something you'd never do with copyists like the Porsche Cayenne.
The terrain response 4x4 system has a new "sand launch control", better rock-crawling abilities and a gizmo that stops any alarming lurches when you're in hill descent (and if you've never tried tackling a 45-degree plunge in one of these, you should. It's cool).
The engine's all waterproofed so you can splash around in rivers - this is easily as at home in the Highlands as it is on the Chelsea school run. I drove it absolutely everywhere and couldn't fault it.
Nothing much has changed about the outside - there's a new three-bar grille, side vents and indicators and the lights have been changed, but that's about it. Inside, though, it's all new clobber: I love the digital fascia (the displays disappear when the engine's switched off) and the touch-screen satnav is the best in the business.
HIGH-GRADE LEATHER THROUGHOUT
It's the first commercial use of "dual view" technology, where the driver and passenger can each watch different things on the same screen: she can't see your satnav and you can't see her DVD. At less than 15km/h you can even switch it to show a 360-degree view from five zoomable external cameras, which is fun.
It's comfier than most living rooms, this car. In Autobiography spec there's high-grade leather throughout, which adds to the heavy-duty soundproofing to block out almost all noise. To make it even quieter, there are wireless headphones for the kids' DVD screens in the back.
I've owned three Range Rovers. It's the only car I've ever driven where you arrive as fresh as when you left, and this oneis easily the best ever. But R1 304 000? You could get a new Aston Martin for that.
So would I buy one? Damn right I would - even if I have to enter the "X Factor" to afford it. I'll be the first singing chef and my sidekick will be the fat girl in leggings.
But if I win, I'm sending my new Range Rover back to the factory to be armour-plated: you get underfloor grenade protection, run-flat tyres and B6 ballistic shielding.
Next time people start spitting at me, I'll be safe as houses. - Daily Mail
TECH SPEC
Engine:
Five-litre supercharged V8 petrol.
Power:
380kW.
Torque:
625Nm at 2000-2500rpm.
Top speed:
225km/h.
Fuel consumption:
15 litres/100km
CO2 emissions:
348g/km.
Transmission:
Six-speed auto.
Standard features:
20" sparkle-finish alloys, adaptive computerised damping, stability control, adaptive cruise control, emergency brake assist, understeer control, roll stability, terrain response 4WD system, trailer stability, blindspot monitoring, all-round camera system, dual-view touch-screen HD satnav, iPod and USB connectivity, Harman Kardon Logic 7 surround-sound, DVD rear entertainment system, remote control heating, LED front and rear lights, adaptive headlights, keyless start, perforated leather upholstery, leather door panels and headlining, luxury carpet mats, 283mm obstacle clearance, 700mm wading depth
Optional extras:
Active rear locking differential, four-zone aircon, tyre pressure monitoring, snow tyres, deployable side steps, roof rails, bike racks, towing accessories, gun/security box, waterproof seat covers, load space protectors.