By Michael Booth
Specifications
: Nissan Qashqai 2.0 2WD Acenta.
Would suit:
Desperate non-conformists.
Price:
£17 524 (about R250 600).
Performance:
190km/h, 0-100km/h in 10.1sec.
Average fuel consumption:
8.2 litres/100km.
SA release:
Early 2008.
I think I can say with some confidence that what you are about to read might well be the single most enlightening piece of information you will glean today. Your fog of confusion concerning one of the most pressing issues of our times is about to be lifted.
I will almost certainly win some kind of prize for my conclusions, which are based on many years' research chewing a ballpoint lid and staring into space, and I shall humbly accept my award from the Nobel jury, or whoever, while acknowledging the contribution the Nissan Qashqai has made to this new socio-historical theory concerning why we are all so uptight about SUVs.
So here it is. The thesis that I have written about SUVs: we like them because they remind us of riding horses, and detest them for the same reason.
Ever since man first hauled himself up on to the back of a horse for a quick canter across the Russian Steppes, or wherever it was (the Nobel jury are no fools; they can fill in the blanks on this), he has used his position to look down upon and, often, to subjugate his fellow man.
And this I believe is why, 4500 years later, Nissan decided to replace the joyless Almera (no, I couldn't place it either) with this curious, though not unlikable, jacked-up hatchback.
You see, we still like to travel above the herd, to contemplate our options while a few feet above the heads of others.
It's serfs versus noblemen all over again, the only difference being that back in the Middle Ages noblemen had the right to deflower your bride on your wedding night, while these days Range Rover owners also have the nerve to occupy two parking spaces outside your house while they do so.
Cleverly Nissan has realised that this Neolithic, or Paleolithic or whatever (like I said, I'll leave it to others to flesh out the details) programming resides deep within us all and so has offered us a car with no off-road abilities whatsoever (most Qashandcarries have two-wheel drive), but that does sit about 20cm higher than rivals like the Golf, Focus and Megane.
This is all very well, but there is a price to pay for a high centre of gravity. Thus the Qashqai is no Focus when it comes to negotiating corners - it is large and heavy and rolls aplenty. Its two-litre engine is powerful enough, albeit a little gruff.
Paying the price
There is also a price to pay when it comes to the price you pay. You can easily top the £20 000 (R285 000) mark when speccing a two-litre version, and still only have two-wheel-drive to show for it. And the interior - a mishmash of textures and materials - would be more at home at the £15 000 (R215 000) level.
Nissan's promotional material will, I am sure, come to be seen as a classic of the kind of desperate, overwrought motoring PR blarney I have to wade through virtually every working day. In it Nissan claims the Qashqai (spellchecker suggestion: "washday") to be "a car of contrasts for a world of contrasts... an urban nomad... an urbanproof coupe".
It is none of these things. What they should really come right out and say is this: "It's kind of like a horse, but with wheels." - The Independent, London