By Michael Booth
Specifications
Would suit:
Fat-bottomed blokes.
Price:
£30 800 (about R440 000).
Performance:
230km/h, 0-100km/h in eight seconds.
General fuel consumption:
6.43 litres/100km.
Like everyone else, I had children in order to populate the world with Mini-Me's. It's no more than the world deserves. And - correct me if I'm wrong - but isn't the whole point of having children that they fulfil the destiny of which their parents were never capable?
Thus, I am fashioning my lucky offspring into important thinkers whose counsel will be sought by world leaders, Nobel-prize-winning writers, edgy, cool rock stars and gracious Wimbledon champions. But there are limits and "car enthusiast" is taking the "in his father's image" thing just a little too far.
My eldest is showing disturbing signs of becoming just that. He can recite whole chunks of "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" call out the names of more interesting models as they pass and has begun asking awkward questions about why we don't own a Maserati.
Last week he corrected me when I pointed out a blue 911 as being "like Sally from Cars". "No Dad," he sighed. "That's a Turbo. Sally's a Carrera." Most troubling of all, he has shown signs of being interested in the World Rally championship.
It doesn't help matters, of course, that each week something fast, new and exciting turns up outside our house. "Dad, when are you going to try the next Lamborghini?" he'll ask, too jaded to bother with the BMW coupé already on our driveway.
"And when are you getting that new Caterham?" (I don't like to tell him I'm too scared to borrow it.)
Measures were needed. I required a car that was resolutely un-showy, sensible - something to extinguish, at a glance, my son's volcanic automotive lust. In my son's view, the most damning criticism that can be levelled at something is to describe it as "a bit Dad". So I asked to borrow the new Volvo S80, perhaps the ultimate Dad's Car.
Don't misunderstand me. I think the current Volvo range is among the best in the world. The cars are robust yet refined, subtly designed and blissfully comfortable. If I were in the market for a new car right now, it might very well be a Volvo estate.
I really liked the last S80 and the new one promised more of the same - not least because it looks identical - and, more importantly, has ,precious little to get my son's pulse racing.
Focused firepower
This S80 is, in fact, all-new and the five-cylinder diesel that powered mine is an all-new engine. Happily, it offered few thrills ("When are you going to put your foot down, Dad?") and growled like Walter Matthau having a Thai massage.
Selling cars in a category at which Mercedes, Audi and BMW have long focused firepower will always be tough, but Volvo is flourishing above and way beyond the £30K mark - and not just because they're "not German".
Their perceived safety, faultless Scandinavian design and reassuring solidity contrast favourably with the "show 'n go" ethos of rivals. Best of all is the interior, which has the same effect as settling into a nice warm bath thanks to its soft seats, hushed ambience and simple, stress-free controls.
Everything was going fine on the car-chill plan to turn my son off cars for ever untl he discovered its Bang & Olufsen-developed stereo and powerful, deep, booming bass.
"Cool!" he squeaked above the latest obscenity from Lily Allen.
Time for Plan B... where did I put my tennis racket? - The Independent, London