I'm not a conspiracy theorist. If I were, I might advance the hypothesis that my local Virgin Active gym plays such dreadful music because it gets kickbacks from Apple to stimulate iPod sales.
Indeed, that music prompted me to buy one of these miniature music players and now I happily pound away on the treadmill in my own aural world, oblivious to the mindless musak spewing from the gym's speakers.
What's all this to do with the Audi RS4 Avant?
Well, it's that sound is important, especially in the world of high-performance cars. A great exhaust roar can turn a merely fast car into a really charismatic one.
If I were looking for a car with the most appealing acoustics - excluding multi-million rand exotics such as Lambos and Porsches - the RS4 would probably top my sub-R1-million list.
In our recently-published road test of BMW's new M3 I couldn't decide whether I preferred it to the RS4, but said the M3 had the slight edge when driven eleven-tenths around a racetrack.
What I failed to mention, perhaps unfairly, was that the Audi makes the better roar. A case of better on the track versus a better soundtrack.
There's not much in it as the Beemer rocks to a hardcore beat but let's just say that I prefer Metallica to Nickelback when it comes to the correct aural accompaniment for 309kW of tarmac-rippling power. The Audi's blare is just that bit heavier, with a hard-hitting bass that makes me wanna grab a Stratocaster and riff away.
The RS4's exhaust sound is served up in two varieties: it's always guttural but, when you press an "S" button on the steering, flaps open in the pipes and move you a few rows forward at the rock concert.
The "S" (for "Schweet"?) button also quickens the throttle response so it becomes more of a trigger and at the same time squeezes the power-operated side supports of the driver's bucket seat inwards so that you're plugged in and ready for the g-forces that inevitably follow.
These are noteworthy indeed whether you're invoking them in a straight line, during acceleration and braking, or laterally during cornering.
I took the RS4 Avant to Kyalami for a few hot laps where it revealed itself to be a most competent track tool. This is one radical station wagon and its bigger bum doesn't noticeably affect the handling compared to the RS4 sedan. The grip and clean composure are all there, combined with a most agreeable tail-loosening nature when you line up the corner correctly.
Gone is the exasperating understeer of earlier all-wheel drive Audis; this new quattro system is more rear-biased and allows you to jump on the thottle earlier out of corners.
Tenth slower than sedan
The ESP system also intervenes later and for a shorter period than in normal Audis, bailing you out of trouble when it needs to but without being annoyingly intrusive - just what the enthusiast driver ordered. The ESP can be switched off by drivers who like watching the scenery coming at them through the side window.
Audi says the RS4 Avant dispatches the all-important 0-100km/h sprint in 4.9sec at sea level, just a tenth slower than the slightly lighter sedan, and though it loses something at high altitude it's still good for a sub-six second sprint in Joburg. Top speed, as per the German gentleman's agreement, is governed to 250km/h although it could go a lot faster.
The non-turbo, 4.2 V8 is a high revver but has no shortage of low-down grunt so getting the needle tickling that 8250rpm redline is more fun than a prerequisite. The RS4 still had plenty of fight in third through slower Kyalami corners that usually require second gear.
The brakes make quick work of decelerating the car though they started fading a bit after a few laps but the car was driven harder than it would ever be on a public road.
No mom's taxi
Back in the real world, Audi's wunderwagen is a docile, easy-to-drive car that slots effortlessly into the daily commuting drudge, shopping expeditions and family holidays. Its distended rear end swallows a lot of shopping or luggage and if you fold the rear seats you could just about park a Smart in there.
It's a station wagon, yes, and these aren't usually the first choice of people wishing to display their sporting extravagance, but the RS4 Avant looks nothing like a mom's taxi with its big mags, bazooka exhausts and belligerent body kit.
The cabin also proclaims that this is no common-or-garden wagon with its classy but sporty combo of dark and aluminium surfaces. The leather/aluminium steering wheel - shared with the Lamborghini Gallardo - is also the sexiest I've seen and is flattened at the bottom like that of a race car.
Ride comfort is good for a car with such sporting credentials. It feels fairly firm over bumps but nothing that will dislodge the Ray Bans from your brow. An active suspension system called "Dynamic Ride Control" firms up the dampers in hard cornering but softens them for normal driving.
VERDICT
The RS4 Avant, at R638 000, is pricier than the R622 000 sedan but is probably worth it if you need the extra luggage space as it doesn't seem to lose any of the sedan's driver-appeal.
Forget all you think you know about station wagons; this is one load-hauler that also hauls ass, backed by a soundtrack that really rocks. I think I just might record that exhaust blare on to my iPod. - Star Motoring