PODCAST: How I am raising my children to be decent human beings

Picture: Jenna Norman on Unsplash

Picture: Jenna Norman on Unsplash

Published Nov 27, 2019

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I have almost always told my children the truth. If anything

was too traumatic or complex for them to understand, I assured

them we would talk about it when I had the words to explain. 

What I actually meant was that we would talk about it when

they were able to fathom the gravity of the situation without fear.

From when they were young, I would keep it simple, but true. 

These days, violence, abuse, sexual assault, bullying, corruption, crime and cover-ups have become so visible that it

is now necessary to have complicated conversations with our

children for their safety. Who knew you would ever have to

explain unwanted sexual advances and inappropriate touching

to children who can barely grasp these violations.

Yes, we start by

talking about your body belonging to you. We remind children

that any part of your body covered by a swimming costume

is considered your private parts and that nobody is allowed to

touch you there.

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It is tricky teaching them these lessons without

making them ashamed of their bodies or fearful of normal, loving physical interactions like hugs and cuddles. It is, however,

possible to educate them lovingly and bravely. Avoidance is not

in anybody’s interest but the perpetrator’s, who generally targets

vulnerable, innocent and uninformed victims. 

I have a vivid memory from when I was six or seven years

old of a teenaged relative rolling on top of me as I slept. My

instinctive reaction was to punch his chest hard with my little

fists and say: “What are you doing? Get off me!” He jumped up

and left the room. I was not sexually assaulted that day because

of my defence. As little as I was, I was fortunate to have been

instilled with right and wrong by my parents from the earliest

time I can remember. 

I now know from research that rapists and people who assault

others are seldom prepared for them to fight back. Our parents

always had open conversations with us about these situations

and raising four daughters, they did a deliberate job of letting us

always know that we were enough, loved and protected. 

These are the same foundations we have used to build our

children’s confidence, sense of self, awareness of the good and

bad in the world, and to prepare them for a world that is messy

and often dangerous. 

Raising children to be adults who do not resort to violence as

a first response is a conscious and necessary parental responsibility. We need to instil trust in our children that we are safe spaces

for them to come to when they feel threatened or burdened. It

does take a village to raise a child, but that same village can also

protect perpetrators and damage many children. As a result, I

take the mantra “your child is my child” literally. 

I have stopped

a mom in a toy shop beating a young boy who was thirsty while

other shoppers watched or walked on. I have physically been

between a mom and young son beating each other (and me)!

We cannot stand by anymore. It is our problem. 

The amount of gender-based violence our children are

exposed to through the media, television, computer games and

the internet means we have to be vigilant in demonstrating to

them the workable way to be a human being and a contributing

member of a family unit or friendship circle. 

We do not stand by when someone is being bullied or beaten.

We draw attention and get help; we don’t walk past, we Don’t

Look Away! We keep our friends close and we keep an eye on

enemies, knowing that bullies have usually been bullied themselves. 

Violent behaviour is usually a response to something you

were exposed to, taught or started believing during childhood.

Not all children who grow up in violent environments end up

being abusive, but all abusers have been exposed to violence and

abuse, and don’t see another way to be. 

* Lisa Joshua Sonn is a CapeTalk contributor,

a Don’t Look Away social

activist and a mother of three.  

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