The complexities of children sharing bedrooms can be difficult to navigate, especially when the costs of buying or renting properties with enough bedrooms for each child to have their own is impossible for many people.
Of course, there are ways in which rooms can be divided to give each child their ‘own space’, but ultimately, deciding when and how to split bedrooms can be more of a psychological or safety issue than a physical one.
The UK’s National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC) states that, as children grow up, they might want more privacy and need their own space. And while it is not illegal for children to share, it is recommended that children over the age of 10 have their own bedrooms, even if they are siblings or step-siblings.
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“We know this isn't always possible. If kids are sharing, try to have regular conversations with them about how they're feeling.
“Talk to your child about how they feel about where they're sleeping. If they don’t feel comfortable, ask them what’s worrying them. Sometimes there are reasons they're not comfortable and there might be things you can do to help.”
Whether they are sharing at home or on holiday, the NSPCC says it is a good idea to talk about issues related to their bodies being private. Good times to talk about this can be found at bath time; when applying cream or when getting your child dressed; car journeys; when swimming and saying that what's covered by swimwear is private; or during a TV show that features a sensitive storyline.
When it comes to sharing a bedroom, the organisation says that, in some cases, this might mean changes to what they're used to, so it's important to talk to them first to prepare them for the new routine. For example, if they'll be sharing with a baby or toddler or if one of your children has complex needs.
“Let your children know what to expect and allow them some time to adapt if possible. You could try arranging some sleepovers first to give them a chance to get used to the new arrangements.”
The NSPCC says that you should sit down with your children and agree to some ground rules that everyone is happy with.”
Some things to think about include:
- Are there any toys that are off-limits or aren't appropriate for the younger sibling?
- Can you provide them with separate storage so it's clear whose stuff is whose?
- If there’s a big age gap between your children what are the house rules when one has friends over to visit?
- Are they allowed to play together without supervision?
- Do your children get up and go to bed at different times?
- Think about setting a designated 'quiet time' – in the morning and at night – to make sure everyone's able to sleep properly.
Durban sisters Kelly*, 11, and Sarah*, 9, have always shared a bedroom, but both would like their own spaces within the home. Their problems with sharing revolve around cleaning tasks and each being able to have time to play with their own toys.
“When we have to tidy up Sarah always shouts at me for not helping. I want my own bedroom because then there will not be as much mess,” Kelly says, adding: “Also, when she is getting dressed and I come in to the room to get my stuff or get dressed too, she shouts at me.”
The pre-teen would like her own bedroom so that she can spend time in it reading, drawing, and playing with her own toys.
“I would like my own space because then Sarah cannot come in and annoy me or make noise. She also wears my clothes and says they are hers.”
In addition, Kelly says her little sister cleans up her own mess and then leaves the rest for her to tidy, but among the untidiness are some of Sarah’s things too.
Sarah shares the same feelings as her sister.
“I don’t like sharing a bedroom because Kelly always makes a mess when I clean up. She always takes my toys and wears my clothes. She also blames me for breaking her toys.
“I would like my own bedroom so I can keep it tidy and have my own clothes and toys. I would probably be in my room a lot more because I could have time without her just coming in and making a noise.”
Sarah says she would keep her own room tidy and put her toys away after playing with them.
Even if children are sharing a room, the NSPCC says you could decorate so they each feel like they have their own space. If the move is recent or unexpected, this can help them get excited about sharing with someone else.
“If there is a larger age gap between the children sharing or children of opposite sexes are sharing, there might be ways of creating some privacy with a screen or curtain rail. Talk to both children and try to understand their concerns, and discuss solutions together.
“However, we would always recommend that boys and girls older than 10 do not share a room.”
While there are complexities to children sharing bedrooms, a 2020 article on Psychreg.com cites a study that found sharing a room can help children develop emotional intelligence and conflict management skills. The study was conducted by Hammonds Furniture in the UK, and asked 2 000 adults who had previously shared a bedroom with at least one brother or sister, about their experience.
“The findings show that people who shared a bedroom with a sibling during childhood believe it helped them to navigate adult life better, with six in 10 (59%) agreeing the experience helped prepare them for shared spaces as an adult (such as university halls and office spaces).”
It also found that:
- 46% of those who shared a room with their sibling as a child believe it was a positive experience
- 39% claimed it helped them to develop stronger connections with their family
- 38% said it helped their emotional intelligence
- 35% reported it helped their sharing skills
- Only 9% claim to have a negative experience
Survey results revealed that sharing had helped many later in life with their confidence levels (22%) and conflict management (21%).
“Despite the mostly positive response, 17% of people surveyed claimed that they had little privacy whilst sharing, 17% believed the sharing affected their sleeping patterns, and 10% claimed that it increased feelings of anxiety.”
Just sharing her experience for this article makes Anna Kleynhans* of Cape Town relive her “trauma”.
“While our home was quite big, it housed many people – including grandparents, cousins, friends, and anyone who didn’t have a roof over their heads at various stages of their lives. In other words, it was quite chaotic.
“There were three rooms – my four sisters and I shared a room and bathroom. I was never allowed to put up posters, and my one sister and I shared a bed, top to tail. There was zero privacy and always someone watching your every move. We shared one cupboard between the five of us so nothing was really yours.”
Kleynhans, who is in her 30s, says that now, she “absolutely” cannot share a bedroom with anyone.
“Even when I date people it is important they keep their own homes. I can literally feel the trauma in my bones and I also have a problem making a home. My walls are mostly bare, I literally can’t get myself to hang something up. My siblings seem to have all turned out okay, however, I have noticed we all lead very quiet lives.”
Still, her siblings yearn for childhood.
“They really do, saying it was the best days of their lives. This shows me that everyone has a different experience in the same home and we can never predict what is good for all.”