A jumping nipple is a startling sight especially when revealed on the gracious and elegant Queen Mary 2. The ship, not the long-departed British queen.
Following in the historical wake of other great passenger ships, including the Queen Mary 1, I was doing "the crossing" as the journey from New York to Southampton, or vice versa, is called.
This was not a cruise, although it took six days to sail across the Atlantic on the RMS Queen Mary 2.
No, this was a crossing, I was told by fellow passenger Beryl Rae, who had done six previous crossings. Or was it 12?
RMS stands for Royal Mail Steamer called this from 1839, when Queen Victoria gave Samuel Cunard a licence to carry British mail across the Atlantic from England to America in his steam ships.
It was the first ever granted and to this day, the Cunard ships are still Royal Mail Steamers. Well, they might not steam anymore, but figuratively speaking.
To get back to the jumping nipple. I made its acquaintance while enjoying a Jacuzzi at the Pavillion pool, one of five swimming pools aboard the QM2. Folk relaxed on the recliners, others sipped long cocktails and I bubbled away gazing at the Atlantic rolling past.
I was thinking of the guy who tried canoeing his way from England to the USA. It must have been good exercise.
Just then, I was joined by an English rose of indeterminate age. She could have been anything from 40 to 80 but a closer look revealed she'd possibly lived her three-score and 10. That said, her plastic surgery was virtually invisible.
We chatted companionably as the Jacuzzi whirled - this was her fifth crossing, much better than flying, she said with enthusiasm and lifted her arms in the air to emphasise her point. It was then I observed her left breast had liberated itself from her swimsuit and was bobbing up and down with the water. Then the flow changed and it shot in and out sideways, her nipple leading the charge. I was mesmerised.
So why, you wonder, would anyone want to take the six-day Atlantic crossing as opposed to a six-hour flight?
Well, for starters, sailing majestically out of New York under the Verazzano Narrows Bridge past the Statue of Liberty was incomparable. The tone of the crossing was set by the bottles of champagne poured into elegant flutes and offered to the passengers, all 2 600 of us.
As you can imagine, the ship hummed and it wasn't the giant gas turbines, the four huge diesel engines, the four unique mermaid pods with their stainless steel propellers and the thrusters, all designed to propel this very large ship at a comfortable cruising speed of 26 knots.
The technical statistics of the QM2 are mind boggling and read like a most exciting novel. However, because of space constraint, you'll have to take my word for it that this ship is top of the technological, environmental and design pops in every way. She's also the largest ocean liner in the world. Add to this the fact that the ship's two whistles, one the original from the legendary Queen Mary 1, make a goose-pimpling sound that can be heard almost four kilometres away.
The pre-boarding information said there would be three "formal" dinners, two elegant and one casual. Ag, ja, well, no, fine. Being a bit short in the ball gown department, it was a bit worrying, but I made a plan.
It was only a few nights into the crossing that I learned the Queen Mary 2 thinks of everything. For those who don't want to carry ball gowns or tuxes across the world, they can be hired on board and the choice is designer and magnificent.
Oh, had I only known I wondered, if the captain when greeting his passengers, graciously smiled at a familiar ball gown or the new head atop it.
So what makes the QM2 so different? Well, the ship is palatial and soft, the marble pillars tall and the corridors wide.
Our stateroom's French doors - have you noticed how ships no longer have cabins? - opened wide onto a transparent balcony and we kept it open always. At night, you could hear the waves against the hull and see the Milky Way above.
The library, the largest in the world afloat, was a literary haven of pleasure, not least for the brain teasers in which the passengers participated daily.
There would be 20 questions such as: What is a sidermophobic afraid of? What does the Ishmara Test determine? What is the popular name for a cob nut? In Punch and Judy what is the dog called?
My best ever score was five. Pathetic! The restaurants are plentiful and excellent - the Queen and Princess Grill, the Britannia Club, the Britannia Restaurant, the King's Court, the Golden Lion Pub, Todd English the ship is as British as can be. But thankfully, the food is not.
So fresh was the seafood - line-fish, lobsters, soles, et al that I was convinced the crew fished off the bridge at night while the passengers were sleeping. French, Italian, Indian, Japanese, Chinese, Middle Eastern and Mediterranean - it was all there for the eating.
Our secret discovery was the Boardwalk Café situated on the 13th and highest deck. Unprepossessing and almost hidden at the stern of the ship, it served light grills, hamburgers and fish and chips. Very few folk seemed to venture up here and when the sky was overcast, we were virtually alone.
It was on the 13th deck that I met the most handsome passenger aboard. Well built, solid legs, with the most intelligent eyes imaginable, his name was Carter.
In colder weather, he looked most debonair in a dark navy coat. Never alone, his butler, Alex was always in attendance. Carter was a bulldog, one of several animals making the trans-Atlantic crossing.
It's this kind of detail that makes the QM2 so special. The pets' staterooms (not cabins) were superb, they had an enclosed run on the deck and their own stewards in attendance.
Naturally, their owners visited whenever they wished.
Cats are not generally happy travellers, but the two felines on this trip looked most content despite the fact that they had strange canines within sniffing distance.
Our regular table in the Britannia Club was a hit. We'd struck it lucky with two Canadian lasses, Marguerite and Sheila, an American, Beryl, and one of the few eligible bachelors, Larry from the Nappa Valley, California. All three women had been sailing with Cunard for years, while Larry, like us, was a novice. But in wines he was an expert so each night we were introduced to yet another treasure from the ship's vast cellar.
There were 343 different labels offered but perhaps only four of these South African. Ah well, you cannot have perfection in everything.
Apparently, each year, at least 230 000 bottles of wine and more than 7 000 bottles of champagne are imbibed by diners. The QM2' s fact sheet makes for fascinating reading. For instance, enough toilet tissue is used each year to wrap the around the world five times. Who, I couldn't help wondering, worked that one out?
Annually, 540 000 toothpicks are used, which means that most passengers have their own teeth.
Interesting. I had expected the passengers to be older than say on a Carnival Cruise, and they were probably 50-plus. But then, there were several families and lots of toddlers and kids floating around.
"It's because it's a crossing as opposed to a cruise," said Beryl.
"On the world cruises you'll generally find an older crowd."
Well, that makes sense, retired folk have the time and the means.
If you're looking for something different, how about a planetarium at sea? The QM2 has just that and each day, I'd strap myself into a seat and be transported heavenward. It was extraordinary. Then there were the daily theatrical performances by the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art players on board. One-act plays, Shakespeare, modern drama, comedy. They were sensational.
Then there were the lectures by Oxford dons, a couple of ambassadors, political and other luminaries. (Though the word luminary to describe a politician might be considered an oxymoron.)
Most of the passengers were Americans and British and they were extremely polite.
The lifts were large and plentiful and it would be a regular little party going up and down.
"Howzit?" I'd smile each time I entered and my nicest response came from a little bent cigarette of a man aged about 80 with the bluest eyes. "What's that you said, my dear?" he bent his ear towards me.
"Howzit?" I repeated. Loudly.
"What language is that?" he enquired.
"South African," I responded.
"Ah," he nodded. "Africa."
Whenever we shared the lift or bumped into each other he'd greet me with a deafening "Howzit!"
Each morning, I trotted around the deck with other keen joggers and on a few occasions, I ventured into the gym.
It was frightening how fit everyone else from the age of 18 to 80 seemed, so instead I retreated to swim and Jacuzzi.
Each afternoon a traditional British high tea was served and white-gloved waiters served fresh scones, jam and cream, dainty finger sandwiches and pastries that made one salivate.
If you felt like a lazy beer, there were 12 bars or pubs to choose from and the entertainment was continuous, classical, jazz, swing, Latin American, Cuban, harp, opera, and, of course, the big band sound.
Ballroom dancing classes sounded tempting but they coincided with a photographic course and the day has only so many hours, what with eating and walking and eating and attending lectures and eating and going to the theatre and eating and the casino and dancing and eating some more.
Then finally, it was midnight and time for bed.
Because the ship is so magnificently spacious, if you are a reclusive Greta Garbo, you can hide away on your own piece of deck or lounge and nobody will see you.
Each day, I discovered new parts of the ship such as the games room with puzzles, games, Scrabble and every possible board game; the bridge room; the children's' quarters; and even kitchen tours offered for those interested in how passengers' personal culinary wishes were transformed into delectable dishes. One of our dinner companions remarked that one night, when she couldn't sleep, she'd ventured on deck at about 3am and she'd spotted a wet figure in a scuba suit.
"He'd been checking the hull," she said. Good heavens, I thought, he must be the strongest scuba diver imaginable to jump overboard to check the hull as the QM2 cleaves her way through the waves. When I said as much, she giggled. "He checks the bilges," she said. Ah.
Several kings, queens, princes and princess have sailed on the QM2 as have celebrities of every ilk. But the nicest thing of all is that you can be an insignificant, very ordinary Carol Lazar in her Woolies dudes from South Africa and you're treated just like royalty. It's very good for the soul.
PS: The first Queen Mary should have been called the Queen Victoria. Samuel Cunard went to visit King George V to ask his permission to name his new ship Queen Victoria. "We want to name our new ship after the greatest queen in British history," said Cunard.
"Thank you, my wife will be honoured," replied King George V and this is how RMS Queen Mary and her successor received their illustrious names. Meanwhile, Cunard will launch their third queen, the Queen Victoria on December 11 2007. The three "Queens" will meet in the middle of the ocean on New Year's Day 2008.
- Carol Lazar did "the crossing" aboard the Queen Mary 2 as a guest of Cunard. When it was time to depart the gracious ship, she thought of doing an Emily Pankhurst and chaining herself to the rails, but sense prevailed.
- The Queen Mary 2 is the largest of the Cunard ships and she does the Atlantic crossings, as well as cruises to the Mediterranean and around the world. Check out Cunard
- Carol McCarthy of White Star Cruise & Travel represents the Cunard Line in SA and she has some excellent special offers starting from l590 per person sharing for a six-night trans-Atlantic crossing for the Queen Mary 2.
- Tel: 011-234-5811 or 083-266-7072, email: [email protected] and website: Whitestar