Andrew Lloyd-Webber's top lyric writer, Don Black, once penned words in which the singer chooses the locale - and day - for her lover to gently give her the push: "Take me to a zoo that's got chimpanzees; tell me on a Sunday, please."
It wasn't on a Sunday, but looking at the antics of the chimps at the Johannesburg Zoo on a quiet midweek morning recently, it was clear that this enclosure might not be the worst place to be dumped. Watching chimpanzees can lift the spirit.
Motionlessly perched on top of a mound sat the chimp equivalent of Rodin's The Thinker. In this classic pose, with hand cupping chin, the ape leisurely twisted his body to different sides, as if new mental inspiration had come streaming in or was he just offering the camera different profile shots?
At the back of the enclosure, a baby chimp was trying out his swinging skills at breakneck speed, the flexibility of the tree branch often catapulting him into space.
Nearby sulked a big male, preoccupied with tearing a leaf to "she loves me, she loves me not" shreds, determined not to look up at an amorous female whose overtures became increasingly direct.
Eventually, she'd had enough and thrust her backside right into his face. This sparked off a hefty sneezing bout. After the third sneeze, the male looked up at his temptress as if to say: "Leave me alone, can't you see I've got a cold?"
By comparison, the orangutans' enclosure was a haven of snooty tranquillity. That distinctive smirk was on both the apes' faces as I tried to focus my telephoto lens on their expressions.
"Ah, just an old Canon - you should have seen the ultra-mod Nikon that shot us this morning," the male seemed to say, with just a hint of a head shaken in disbelief.
Johannesburg Zoo's enclosure signs offer a wealth of information. Did you know, for example, that orangutans cannot walk upright because their arms are too long and would drag on the ground? And that the strongest and fittest meerkat is always chosen for sentry duty? The zoo adds the moral for visiting children: "That's why you must strive to be fit and strong." ("And have endless hours of sentry duty? Not on your life!" my kids would have said.)
Also in the primate wing, the De Brazza monkeys' grey goatees caught my eye, conjuring up visions of ET (the one that fell from his horse, not the creature from space). They say no one really knows how endangered these little "swamp monkeys" are because they are such masters at the art of hiding: you virtually never see them in the wild.
De Brazzas reflect evolution: they shake their heads when stressed, nod when concurring, freeze when alarmed. The males have blue scrotums, a sight to warm the heart of any Blue Bulls supporter.
Leaving the apes, I spent the rest of the morning in eyeball-to-eyeball encounters with elephants across a moat , playing hide-and-seek with an eland who was camera-shy, watching crocs do what comes naturally (nothing), admiring the beauty and grace of flamingoes, wishing I'd had a playground such as the one enjoyed by ecstatic kids that morning, and walking with butterflies through a field of magnificent red-hot pokers and black-eyed Susans.
I also made a note to bring binoculars the next time for spotting birds in the zoo's expansive wetland.
When the clouds of a late morning thunderstorm start to open, I impulsively ran to the nearest cover - the glass-encased home of a pair of gibbons who were friendly but implored me to stop using my camera flash. Later, I discovered there are several weather shelters throughout the grounds.
It was hard to imagine that the concrete jungle was just up the hill from the zoo. Through the trees, up there, were Jo'burg Gen, Hillbrow Tower and the Westcliff Hotel, its pink Med-style walls hugging that filthy-rich hillside.
What a triumph seeing the hotel in all its exposed glory without security guards telling me to go away. Traffic speeding on the highway overhead was eerily silent down in the zoo grounds.
The old Gate House, dating back to 1925, is still intact in the gardens. In those early days, trams travelled up and down what is now Jan Smuts Avenue, and there was a tram link to the zoo gates.
The zoo itself was opened in 1904 and the first small enclosure for lions can still be seen.
Today, the lions live in absolute luxury with the only form of sensible apartheid enforced to prevent what in the old days would have been called "breaches of the Immorality Act" between the zoo's brown and special white lions.
The zoo was the first in the world to breed white lions with the original stock obtained from Timbavati.
The visitor gets up close and personal with the lions from behind the glass walls of the observation house: I could study every detail of the mane of a magnificent male lazily propped up against the glass on the other side.
Lion watching is a joy here - apart from the observation house, there are elevated walkways for excellent photography, and cascading water from a myriad waterfalls to add a paradoxically peaceful atmosphere to a place where the world's most feared predator lives.
The magnificent Anglo Gold lion facility - which surely must be world-class - even has a lifebuoy should a visitor, in a moment of madness, decide to dive into the King of the Beasts' deep ponds.
A striking aspect of the Johannesburg Zoo is the enormous enclosures. I know conservation fanatics tend to knock zoos, but here the sable antelope, impala, zebra and kudu don't live in cages, but on lush green plots of land more spacious, safe and secure than residents in adjacent Parktown.
The zoo's breeding programme also plays an enormous part in preserving endangered species. The Bactrian camel, for example, which is dwindling in numbers worldwide, has bred well at the zoo.
It's not surprising that this 54 hectare green belt is used for more than viewing the animals. Every second Sunday of the month, for example, there is the Zoo Trot, a 5km or 10km walk or run in the sprawling park. There are also novelty events such as Easter egg treasure hunts for children and Mother's Day and Women's Day concerts.
Father's Day will also be celebrated here, but the zoo's 2009 programme still seems undecided about what dads would really like.
The zoo also makes the perfect setting for the annual Sasol Bird Fair in early May, a jazz concert is planned for Family Day in December, and the Tree of Light in November will remember those suffering from terminal diseases. Howloween, a "scary evening" in October, sounds a lot of family fun, and there's a special Thai Cultural Festival scheduled for November.
The zoo also plays a major role in environmental education. School tours are regularly hosted, the Discovery Centre, which focuses exclusively on wildlife conservation, was recently opened, and behind-the-scenes and night safaris (with the potential for surprise appearances by owls) provide insight into zoo life.
For grandparents bringing little ones to the zoo, there are golf carts for hire to reach every corner of the expansive grounds, while - for those in love - the zoo can provide the most romantic of settings.
I saw a happy couple snuggled up on a park bench, totally unaware that it had started to rain.
If you are feeling stressed, take a midweek break at the Johannesburg Zoo. As Simon and Garfunkel used to sing: "Someone told me it's all happening at the zoo. I do believe it, I do believe it's true "
For more information about the Johannesburg Zoo, and details about becoming an Animal Friend, visit the website www.jhbzoo.org.za or phone 011-646-2000.