It’s that time of year when festivals abound. The Rio Carnival and St Patrick’s Day have gone, The Tonteldoos Peach Festival and Easter are just around the corner, the Pink Loerie Mardi Gras will be afoot in Knysna, Mother’s Day and the Komatipoort Prawn Festival are looming and then it will be almost time for the SA National Gold Panning Championships in Pilgrim’s Rest and Ficksburg’s Cherry Festival. Then it’s Halloween and Christmas again.
I was once in Madrid at festival time. (Mind you, it’s always festival time in Spain) and our group was advised to watch out for pickpockets as we joined the dancing throngs. Someone spilt cigarette ash on Richard’s shoulder, and as one helpful Spaniard brushed it off, his mate was picking Richard’s pocket. Wrong move.
Richard is a former professional boxer, and quicker than you could say “Olé!” the pickpocket was lying flat on the ground with a bloody nose and black eye. The crowd cheered. I suggested we have T-shirts made: “Don’t mess with us. We’re from Johannesburg!”
There’s a festival in Dullstroom (if you live there you’ve got to do something to liven the place up) where you see how far you can spit out antelope droppings – mampoer-soaked bokdrol spoeg (a change from trout bones.) Or brave the Uitenhage Prickly Pear Festival or the olive-pip spitting competition at the Prince Albert Town and Olive Festival at the end of April.
I have a mad friend who goes to the Burning Man Festival in the Nevada Desert every August. It’s one of the most creative, whacky, free-spirited get-togethers on earth, where performance artists, techno-heads, death-guild Goths, ultra-creative sculptors, 60s hippies and 30-something yuppies, plus pyrotechnic maniacs, mad scientists and digerati geeks strut their stuff at Black Rock. (Alternatively, there’s Rustler’s Valley in Free State. Or sparklers at Spurs.)
But I think it’s time for some new South African festivals. What about a Pothole Festival? It can be held on any road in the country. Mampoer and umqombothi could be brewed on site and we could all sit around on ruined tyres. Or a Hijacking Festival where you bring your own stolen car? Or a Johannesburg Rates Billing Festival where the person with the highest bill gets free electricity and water for the amount charged on his bill? Or we could emulate Finland’s Wife-carrying Competition – although this might prove tough if you’ve more than one wife. And if anybody knows of a Pirate Festival (but not in Somalia, thank you), let me know.
I bought a Johnny Depp all-in-one pirate hat and wig at Eurodisney a couple of years ago and I’m dying to wear it… - Sunday Independent