I can't quite say how I expected Malta to be, but the image certainly didn't include a long, post-flight soak in Cleopatra's bath. Horse's milk is extra, but the incense, flickering candles and rose petals bobbing in hot, steaming water all come as standard in the five-star Fortina Spa Resort in Sliema, a seaside suburb on the east coast.
Afterwards, I'm the consistency of a boiled noodle, but there's more on the pampering menu. The guilt, however, is taking a little longer to tease out. It seems incongruous to be living it up at a sombre time like this, yet global recession does have one very welcome upside: you can now expect to find this sort of luxury for less.
The Fortina Spa Resort has already knocked hundreds of euro off some of its packages and there are more reductions if you book in advance. That's a pattern that's likely to be repeated across Malta as the island targets tourists at the upper end of the health tourism market.
Which brings me back to that most upper-end of queens, Cleopatra. I wonder what she's doing in the beautifully equipped spa here, but, when you think about it, Malta isn't really too far from her native Egypt, perched as it is in the middle of the Mediterranean with Tunisia and Libya on one horizon and Sicily on the other.
A friend had described Malta as "British and beige", but as soon as you hear the Maltese language, with its Arabic and Italian sounds, it's clear that it is a whole lot more. Cleopatra might not have been here, but the island has seen successive waves of invaders/settlers - Romans, Arabs, Napoleon, the British - who have all left their mark. You can see that everywhere in this fascinating place, but exploration comes later.
Right now, it's time for more indulgence and, boy, it doesn't get more intense than this. The hotel literature boasts that they have the world's first therapeutic spa bedrooms, and the 50sqm of bedroom and private spa certainly seem exceptional to me. With the flick of a switch, the shower morphs into a sauna or steam room, the therapeutic bath has seven different programmes and there's a futuristic capsule called a Dermalife machine that combines steam and a vibrating massage to expel toxins from the body.
And that's not all: there's a Jacuzzi hiding behind a screen in the bedroom. Above it, the ceiling is painted lapis-lazuli blue and is dotted with twinkling star-shaped lights. There's a dressing gown, slippers, bowl of fruit and the Champagne is on ice.
In fact, there's little need to venture out. If you feel like it, you can use room service to sample a selection from any one of Fortina's six on-site restaurants - it's possible to detox and retox at the same time, and all in the comfort of your own hotel room. It's difficult to leave that kind of luxury, but it would be a shame not to taste as much as possible of what Malta has to offer.
The island's clement winters have made it a popular tourist destination, but this is not really a sun-and-fun destination - although both are on offer if you look. Instead, Malta has embraced the idea of cultural tourism and it's easy to see why.
As soon as you step outside the door of the Fortina, you are greeted with a breathtaking view of the domes, towers and bastion walls of Valletta, the 16th-century fortress city honed out of rock by the Knights of St John to keep Ottoman invaders out. You can get there by taking one of the ferries that regularly cross the Marsamxett Harbour, although it's an adventure in itself to take a bus; the entire Maltese fleet looks as if it has been preserved in Fifties aspic. That goes for the shopfronts too, although some of those preserved in Valletta are more than 100 years old.
It's dizzy work negotiating the capital's precipitous streets, which are laid out on a grid system. The sea is also a palpable presence - it's visible on three sides and the sparkling water of the Grand Harbour peeps through gaps in the streetscape.
Before deciding which of this amazing city's myriad churches, museums and galleries to visit, it's an idea to get some perspective by heading to the highest point of the bastion wall, the Upper Barrakka Gardens. There's a 100ft drop to the moat below and an unbelievable view of the harbour. Look a little longer and you might be able to pick out the backdrop used in several Hollywood films; Troy, Gladiator and The Count of Monte Cristo among them.
But you're only scratching the surface of Malta's treasures in Valletta. To delve deeper into the layers of history visible on the island, the nearby former capital of Mdina is a must. (In fact, everywhere is nearby; it takes less than an hour to drive the length of the island.) The walled city is a gem; medieval and baroque buildings hewn from local sand-coloured limestone line its narrow, winding streets.
Despite its size, there's lots to do. The Palazzo Falson museum (www.palazzofalson.com) on Villegaignon Street is worth a visit, if only to admire the magnificent building in which it is housed. You should also make a pit stop at the newly restored Carmelite Church and Priory, which has an interesting museum and concerts in summer.
When hunger takes hold, head for the Medina restaurant, which is hidden away in a beautiful Norman building on Holy Cross Street. Try the rabbit - it's a Maltese speciality - and, if you can, get a table in the covered courtyard, where a magnificent oleander tree has buried its roots deep into the cobblestones underfoot.
If you fancy fresh fish, go to Marsaxlokk, a little fishing village that has a bustling market and seafood by the bucketload. A platter with an array of freshly caught fish is presented to us and we pick the 'lampuki' (a Maltese dorado), which is cooked to perfection and boned and skinned with incredible skill at the table.
Out in the harbour, traditional fishing boats (luzzu) are painted in vivid colours with a characteristic painting of an eye on the bow, designed to ward off evil spirits. If you're looking for sandy beaches or a dip, it's best to go to the north-west of the island or take a short hop to neighbouring Gozo.
Meanwhile, I've another appointment at the Fortina spa. It's called a Li'Tya facial, but this treatment succeeds in soothing every cell in my body over an incredible two hours. You'd love to try everything else on offer - the Indonesian rituals and massages, ayurveda, acupuncture, Chinese medicine, yoga and Pilates classes, to mention a few - but there simply isn't time.
Try to find an afternoon to see The Hypogeum. The spa is named after it, but the real thing is a system of underground chambers older than Newgrange. Ancient tomb builders cut an incredible three storeys into the bedrock more than 5 000 years ago. The site is protected by Unesco and only 10 visitors an hour are allowed access. It's usually booked up several weeks in advance, so bear that in mind if planning to go. (To book, log on to www.heritagemalta.org/malta shop.html).
In the grand scheme of things, Malta is little more than a full stop in the Mediterranean, but it packs the punch of a much larger place. There's much to see and lots to do, but even without that, this is an ideal early-spring destination -- it's warm, English-speaking, in the euro zone and at the end of a relatively short and cheap flight.
I'll be back.