Calling all those golfers out there. Have you ever played golf with a Ryder Cup player, with your backside bare and the breeze chilling it mightily as you swing your club?
Sorry. I'll rephrase that. Have you ever played golf with a top Irish pro player at the famous K Club of Ryder Cup fame, accompanied by a herd of Captains of Industry?
Aha, I thought you might not have. Well, this is a bit of an Irish tale because, to tell the truth, my pants split just before my 30-minute lesson with the pro, so by the time I took my first swing, my plump derriere was covered.
Ireland - just the word makes my heart sing. Is it the upside-down humour of the people?
The lilting accent, the green of the countryside, the pubs where everyone sings, the sheep that perch on ridiculously high cliffs? Only in Ireland.
I was invited to visit Ireland in the company of three important "captains of industry".
To tell the truth, when I was phoned by Seonaid Rothery of Impact Incentives and I heard the word Ireland, my heart lifted.
"I'd love to come," I replied with enthusiasm.
It was only after I'd accepted that she told me that Impact Incentives, the company she worked for, organised incentive travel trips for companies large and teenie.
Therefore, to test our Ireland as a possible incentive destination, this trip was organised. I would experience the Emerald Isle in the company of the captains.
Before we departed, strange things kept arriving on my desk.
A packet of gay stick-its, a fantastic and very functional trolley bag. Impressive, I thought, feeling like a captain of industry myself.
Then came the final itinerary accompanied by a massive green leprechaun hat. Good heavens, should I wear it to the airport?
I'd look ridiculous for it almost doubled my height. But would the captains be wearing theirs?
We were flying to Ireland with Etihad via Abu Dhabi. Interesting, I thought to myself, looking at a map to check where Abu Dhabi was. It wasn't the most direct way, but this was, after all, an Irish trip.
My wardrobe caused a problem. The captains would be smart, while I would look like Shrek. Oh well, in my next life, I'll go for da designer wardrobe. At O R Tambo, we were welcomed by Impact Incentives director Themba Mthombeni and general manager Megan Nitche, who shepherded us into the arms of Shaheed Rasdien of Etihad.
These three most important personages would be accompanying our little group. I guess captains of industry need a one-on-one relationship.
That said, never have I moved through emigration and customs so smoothly. Because I am discreet, I'll not mention the captains' full names other than to say that Anne-Lize was a mega-banker woman, George a mega-car man and Crispin a giant in the insurance and financial world..
Our flight to Abu Dhabi went swiftly, although the wait for a connection was a tad long. At the crowded airport, I noticed the local women, although modestly dressed, were much bejewelled.
My fellow captains looked very chic among the milling crowds.
We arrived in Dublin just before 8am, where we were met by a company called Advantage ICO, whichwould ferry us around the country in a comfortable bus.
Now, you might imagine that we'd be taken to our hotel for rest and relaxation. Not a bit of it.
Instead we were whisked to the beautiful Merrion Hotel, where we enjoyed tea and pastries.
The Merrion has one of the finest art collections in Ireland, and wherever we gazed, there was art on which to feast our eyes.
After tea we were driven to the Old Jameson Distillery on the edge of the Liffey (the river running through Dublin), where, sadly, we had to sample the Jamesons whiskey. I say, sadly, because had I known, I would have not imbibed so much tea. But whiskey is good for digestion and after a tour and a tasting we enjoyed another delicious spread. Thank heavens. I hadn't eaten for at least an hour.
Then we took off for a short visit of the Guinness Storehouse. When I was young, sometime last century, there was an advert that said: "Guinness is good for you."
There's nothing quite like drinking the real thing in Ireland. From the top of the Guinness Storehouse, while sipping that blackish brew with a white frothy head, we gazed at the 360-degree view of Dublin. Tis a grand city indeed, as they say in the classics.
The captains took everything in their stride. My stride, however, was somewhat wobbly and I was relieved that our next call would be at Trinity College.
This university is one of the grandest in the world with a library that would thrill even the most blasé person with more 200 000 books.
The wooden-carved ceiling is arched and the books seem to go on for ever. Oh, that I could have stayed here for a short while - six months, or so.
Here, too, is the famous Book of Kells, itself a miracle to behold. It was laboriously and lovingly written and illustrated by Celtic monks in about 800BC. Trinity College received the Book of Kells and it has been on display since the beginning of the last century. The pages glow with beauty.
Trinity College was founded in 1552 by England's Queen Elizabeth 1. Yes, consider that when you think of Ireland's history of the past century.
From Trinity College, we walked for five or so minutes to our hotel, the Westin.
To my tired torso, anything would have looked beautiful, but the Westin is, indeed, an elegant building - or series of buildings to be more accurate. The hotel is just a step away from Grafton Street (Dublin's major shopping plek) and also within step of the financial district..
On my bed an umbrella with a note from Impact Incentives read: "Welcome to Ireland, it's green and dandy. This umbrella will sure come in handy!
For use when the sun doesn't shine, until the rain stops and all is fine!"
That evening we visited the Temple Bar area and my colleagues were most suitably attired. Casual, but smart. In the Town Bar and Grill we enjoyed steaks the size I'd never before seen.
I was, you appreciate, feeling meaty.
I think the captains went nightclubbing, but I was finished. Finito Pepito and I fell into my Heavenly Bed (the hotel literature described it thus).
Next morning, I was astounded to see the three captains and Themba and Megan of Impact Incentives eating a hearty breakfast. The locals call it "a heart attack on a plate", but it went down well. And the orange juice was really fresh.
For tea, we dropped into the contemporary Fitzwilliam Hotel - very modern and up-market.
From there we left for the Carton House Hotel, dripping with chandeliers. My booklet describes this hotel as indulgent. That it is. The Palladian house, set in acres of garden, is gracious. Queen Victoria, she of the dumpy shape and fat ankles, stayed here over a century ago. Celebs love Carton House.
An adventure had been planned for us and our captains of industry flexed their biceps as they climbed into 4x4 vehicles provided by our hosts.
Besides driving through the bush and over muddy tracks (yes, there is a little wilderness in Ireland), we also clambered on ropes to do some team building. Important for the captains. Me, I wanted to sip a Guinness and watch the others.
In elegant contrast, we lunched at the Linden Tree Restaurant beneath the trees. Then, sometime in the middle of the afternoon, our increasingly rotund figures were taken back to the Westin so that we could change and prepare ourselves for "a typical Irish evening at the greyhound races".
I'm not into any animal racing and I'd heard of all the greyhound puppies who hadn't the speed. And were ditched. On arrival at the Shelbourne Park Greyhound Racing Stadium, a protester handed me a leaflet saying: "Race or Die." Beneath this it stated that greyhounds were beautiful, sentient creatures yet thousands were casualties of the greyhound racing industry.
The protestors belonged to Greyhound Action Ireland (website www.greyhoundaction.co.uk).
But the Irish are great racehound race supporters so we did the Irish thing and dined at the Dobbins Grandstand Restaurant where our waitron had the most beautiful red hair you could imagine. Our table lost. The captains, who sat at the table next door, all won. That said, I was glad to fall into my heavenly bed.
The following day we'd visit the K Club in County Kildare where the Ryder Cup was played in 2006 (Tiger Woods won). We would, we were informed, get a golf lesson from the pro. Some of the captains were, I think, golfers but I'd only played once before in my life.
It was here, when I bent over to pick up something, probably my golfclub, that my pants split at the rear, revealing my thong. I neither heard nor felt it go but this is where you can tell our captains are classy. They all observed my bare behind - and not one of them said a word.
It was only when the wind blew and it became chilly, that I wondered why I felt so cold. Later, I asked one of them why he hadn't said a word: "I thought that was the fashion," he replied tactfully. Aha.
Serious golfers stay at the K Club and the greens are a sight to behold. Beside two championship courses there is also a spa. After flinging my golf club around, I sat and watched the others. Infinitely more skillful.
We'd be lunching at the Heritage Hotel, in the tiny village of Killenard, near Portlaoise, County Laois. It was overlooked by the Slieve Mountains, said my booklet.
Huh, here's where we beat the Irish every time. They don't have mountains in this land. They're all pretty hills, mainly grassed and filled with munching sheep, goats and even the odd pig or three.
From the very new Heritage we popped into the older Adare Manor and golf course in Limerick. My companions were in full swing now, taking all the five-star opulence in their stride.
I was thrilled. Adare Manor in Conty Limerick is older and I'm sure there are ghosts lurking around. I looked up the trees for leprechauns, but saw not one.
Nor did I see a leopard. The lawns stretched for ever and the gardens were manicured to perfection. Oh, what I would have given to see a honeybadger running across the greens. Yes, our trees in South Africa are definitely more interesting. If not a leopard, there might be a baboon or a monkey. There's always the expectation.
In Ireland, you look for fairies, and a naughty lot they are, too, according to the many Irish folk who claim to have seen them.
There's a lovely Irish saying: "Burning the candle at both ends will soon leave you without a light."
Dark was approaching, so we checked into the very lovely Europe Hotel and Resort in County Kerry.
Just a little way along the road was Killarney town, although some would more likely call it a village.
Now, the Europe Hotel is massively large but thankfully one wouldn't know. It overlooks Lough Lein and in the distance one could see the McGillycuddy Reeks mountain range.
Well, I couldn't see a thing from my window because of the soft Irish mist, but that night I ate a delicious fish in the Brasserie Bar.
"Does it come from the lough?" I asked a waiter.
He laughed in that very Irish way that probably meant: "You have to be kidding!"
Next morning, the captains of industry and I were taken to the Aghadoe Heights Hotel for tea.
To tell the truth, I cannot remember a thing about the hotel other than that they served hot, freshly-baked scones.
The spa is the only Aveda Resort Spa in Ireland. Would we be dipping into the pool for a swim and then a massage? No, captains of industry are always on the go and it was at Kate Kearney's Cottage that we gathered for our next adventure.
From there, two horses and carts would take us up the famous, narrow Gap of Dunloe.
According to my guidebook, it was the late Kate (who lived before the Great Famine of 1845 to 1849) who distilled the finest poteen in Ireland.
Poteen is one of those drinks that looks like nothing and slides down your throat with ease, yet has the kick of an elephant in oestrus - I kid you not. The last time I'd drank poteen, I jumped over a 2m fence and tore my hamstring, then limped the rest of my way through Ireland. My colleague from The Star, the inimitable James Clarke, discovered me weeping in an Irish bog. And did he laugh! An Irish bog is as black as could be.
Apparently, later that day, I signed myself into a hotel and wrote my name as Nelson Mandela.
"Wishful thinking," said Clarke.
There are three loughs in Killarney and they drop one to the other to the other (or rise, depending which way you are driving).
We clopped up the Gapof Dunloa (only horses and walkers allowed) and then, at the top got out to walk for a kilometre or two. The three captains who'd dined and wined as well as I had, strode firmly upwards while I limped along far behind. In my next life I want to come back as a captain of industry, somebody who can change the world and make it a better place. Well, that's the theory, anyway.
Successful people make their own energy. Impact Incentives understand their clients for we were all in the best of good humour although later that day it began to rain.
At the top of the Gap, we lunched at Lord Brandon's Cottage where there was a full-on South African braai. Except it wasn't South African it was Irish.
For the first time on our trip, the sun hid behind a cloud and the rain came pelting down - green Ireland sizzled as the steam rose from the hills and valleys.
And it was on this very special afternoon, that we had our last and, perhaps, finest adventure.
With much aplomb, we were kitted out in lifejackets and anoraks, so large that we were almost lost inside them. Then, with the rain spitting down, we boarded our sturdy but very small vessel - which was much like a fancy rowboat with an engine - and took to the lakes. It rained, then the sun shone, Innisfillen Island appeared, then disappeared in the mist.
We were sopping wet, but we were so happy that our laughter rang off the Muckross Abbey and Ross Castle - in fact, I reckon that hikers could hear the happiness from the top of the MacGillacudy Reeks.
Now that's the thing about Ireland. It is warm and hospitable and the people are kind and caring. Best of all, the Irish have a sense of humour.
Dripping, we said farewell to our boatman, who admitted to being 76 but I think he'd dropped a decade or two.
The next day, after coffee and scones at the Killarney Park Hotel, we arrived at Kerry Airport. From there we flew to Dublin, Abu Dhabi and then home.
Impact Incentives had the last word for that night. On my bed, was a note that read: "We hope you enjoyed this beautiful place. The sights and sound of this land of grace. So much was done and so much was seen What a wonderful trip this has been."
I couldn't have said it better!
- Carol Lazar was hosted by Impact Incentives and accompanied by three mysterious captains of industry - all very special people. We were flown by Etihad Airlines and driven around by Advantage ICO.
If you go
VISAS: You need a visa to enter Northern Ireland, but not the South, Eire.
- ACCOMMODATION: All the hotels we visited were outstanding and offer excellent facilities for incentive travel. Captains of industry will be more than looked after. They'll be pampered until their smile goes around their heads.
- IMPACT INCENTIVES: For further information about taking captains of industry or organising incentive travel for your hard-working workers, phone them at 011 886 9688, or 021 712 5358. Alternatively, e-mail Seonaid at [email protected]
- For further information about delicious Ireland, call Tourism Ireland (Bord Failte in Celtic) at 011-442-0822 or e-mail [email protected], or simply visit the website: www.tourismireland.com