Apoptosis has me racking my brain cells

I was slightly shocked to learn the other day that I am suffering from Apoptosis. Actually, so are you.

As are all the other Tavern readers. We need not panic, however.

Apoptosis is a fancy word for the process by which our body cells are continually dying and being replaced by new ones.

Apparently millions of our cells pass away every minute and (I suppose) all head off to spend eternity in that apoptotic paradise in the sky. I find it interesting.

Our entire bodies are renewed, cell by tiny cell, every couple of years. Does this mean there’s not a single cell left of that energetic lad called David Biggs who bunked classes and batted at number 10 for the Under14F cricket team at school?

Probably a good thing, too. On the bright side, I may claim to have lurched about this wonderful planet rather aimlessly for the best part of a century, but science says there’s not a single bit of me that’s more than five years old. In fact, I’m practically new. Well, recycled, maybe.

Just a bit scuffed at the edges. I wonder whether this could be used in a court of law?

“Me Lord, the prosecutor claims I stole R1million back in July 2008, but this cannot be the case because there was not even a single cell of my body in existence 10 years ago. It was clearly somebody else with the same name.”

This whole business of constant renewal raises some interesting philosophical questions. For example, if all my cells are regularly renewed, including by brain cells, how do the old cells pass on all my memories to the new brain cells? What is memory made of?

Is it completely separate from my physical brain? Maybe it’s a few zillion gigs of RAM stored on a very sophisticated memory stick.

Can’t you imagine that memory stick being handed down from one generation of brain cells to the next.

“Okay Fred, here’s the memory stick. If you get bored rewind to the bit about his first girlfriend.

“Quite raunchy stuff, that. Oh, and you might try to polish up that rusty spot from the time he tried to study trigonometry. There’s nothing left there at all.”

Apoptosis also gives scientific backup to those religious folk who claim to have been “born again”. We all have, brother. Many times over.

Last Laugh

After a major political speech shortly before the general election, a newspaper reporter approached the Cabinet minister who had just spoken and said, “that was an impressive speech, sir, but there were several points on which I think you were not very clear”.

“Yes, I know,” said the politician, “it took my speech writer almost two weeks to get that exactly right.”

* "Tavern of the Seas" is a daily column written in the Cape Argus by David Biggs. Biggs can be contacted at dbiggs@glolink.co.za

** The views expressed here are not necessarily those of Independent Media.

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