Dealing with relatives from hell

Everyone has one, don’t they? The relative from hell. The itinerant cousin who turns up unexpectedly, then sponges off you for days, the black sheep brother who gets drunk and makes a scene at every family occasion, the mother-in-law who keeps overruling your parenting decisions, the father whose loudly expressed political views are embarrassing and offensive to you and your family.

In families, the hellish relative has been able to poison your peace for decades, owing to being bound to you by blood. And the emotional wounds they inflict can run deep.

Sadly, the relative most associated with care and protection, the mother, is sometimes the biggest offender.

Sally says her mother, brought up as a “little princess” spoilt by her dad, always put the men in the family at the top of the pyramid. “My father and brother were the centre of her universe, while I was sent to a boarding school. She did this as she hated my father’s attention on me.

“I spent the better part of my life always seeking her approval, which I never got. When dad died, my brother became the kingpin, so much so that she handed him all the money and things of value. When I confronted her about this, she repeated what I’d heard so often, telling me to ‘Shut up and keep the peace’. In the end my brother squandered it all and abandoned her as predicted, so I landed up clothing, feeding and supporting her in her old age,” she says.

Mirriam says the bane in her life has been her eldest brother, an immature, egotistical man who has never given a thought to anyone but himself. “At every family occasion, he acted like a pig. At my younger brother’s wedding day, he was to drive the maid of honour to the reception. He did, but not before doing a detour to score some drugs, while she sat horrified in the back of the car. When he arrived at the reception, he had the nerve to offer the groom some drugs to ‘get the honeymoon off with bang’.

“He abandoned one family after another – sleeping with the woman who was to become his second wife at the exact hour his first wife was giving birth to his daughter – and treated his own parents and siblings shockingly.

“He was once arrested for not paying maintenance, and my brother and I bailed him out and paid for his lawyer. He promised to pay the money back and look after his children, but he disappeared for years.”

Mirriam says he reappears every three of four years, when he needs money or a favour. “I feel like his ATM. Each time I swear I will never help him again, but for some reason I feel guilty if I don’t help him the next time he comes around.”

Most of us seem unable to break the toxic family ties. We are hurt or injured by a family member, resolve not to forgive them but before long we are allowing them to again get close enough to cut us deep .

Sally’s mother, even in her dotage, forgave her son everything, and was content to hand over the precious little she had left to him in an effort – always unsuccessful – to win his affection, says Sally.

Yet is this about forgiveness, or being locked in a cycle of abuse?

Clinical psychologist Wendy Hay, of the Bella Vida Centre in Johannesburg, says forgiveness is a much used and abused word.

“The concept of forgiveness has spiritual roots. It is usually linked to the stories of a relationship between man and God. It is really a story of a fragile and erring human being who seeks reparation and forgiveness for some type of offensive behaviour. This is where we lose the plot. God says: ‘Sure I will forgive you, if you change your ways and make an act of reparation.’

“Often, when we talk of forgiveness, we forget the second bit of the contract. We think that forgiveness is a one-way street, a letting go and forgetting. I often tell my clients that if God can’t forgive without efforts to change, how can they?

“Forgiveness is not forgetting. It is a very real act of reconciliation. I say ‘act’, because it is something that demands effort and conscious decision. There needs to be a number of elements, including real remorse, admission of guilt and not the ‘but you pressed my buttons story’, a willingness to change and concrete action to make those changes. In these situations, forgiveness is actually easy and healing.”

Sometimes the relative from hell is your teenage or adult children. In this case, Hay suggests taking a critical look at why problems exist in the first place. “Children usually follow by example. It is not a matter of ‘do what I say, not what I do’. Any disrespect within family communication is going to be mirrored in children’s behaviour,” she says.

Of course, there are circumstances where even the most well-meaning and functional parents are faced with abusive behaviour from a child. There may be substance abuse, or perhaps some behavioural disorder.

“Many parents are completely overwhelmed in these situations. I usually suggest the organisation Tough Love to help them develop the tools to cope in such situations,” says Hay.

Of course, being tough, or cutting a relative out of your life, will be painful. But Hay puts it in perspective: “Love is not for sissies. This includes both self-love and love for family. An essential element of growth is allowing people to feel the consequences of bad behaviour.

“Most people will not change until they have experienced some form of negative consequence. Protecting people from their own bad behaviour and being the martyr is a cop-out. Life is about action and consequence. That includes family dynamics. It also sends a clear message about what cannot and will not be tolerated.”

She adds: “Any loss is painful and there may well be a sense of grieving. Grieving, however, comes with a certain sense of closure and life goes on. Repeated patterns of disrespectful, manipulative and bad behaviour suck people dry. If you place a plant in a toxic space, it will die. Why do we think that we can fare better?”

As to feelings of guilt about drawing the line, Hay says guilt is a useful and powerful emotion “when it is accurate”, but is useless and destructive when it keeps us in abusive and vampire-type relationships.

“Facing guilt head on is a way of growing out of victim mode towards hero mode. Giving into guilt is giving away your power and self-respect. In these situations, I try to encourage people to recognise that guilt is a feeling and like all feelings, it needs to be unpacked and examined.”

In Sally’s case, it was exactly this unpacking and examining that helped her to take back the power her mother had eroded through the years. “When I had my first son, my mother told me: ‘Now you have a son, you will understand that a mother will always love her boy child more.’

“It’s taken me 48 years to come to the conclusion that my mother will never be happy. When I consider my relationship with my daughter, I feel a great sadness for her that she never experienced that closeness. She only ever taught me one thing in her life, and that was how never to treat your children.”

Advice

THE FAMILY LIFE CENTRE has a mission to promote and maintain stable, satisfying relationships. Call 011 788 4784/5, 011 833 2057 (city centre), 011 984 0266 (Soweto), 011 855 2359 (Lenasia South), 011 477 5531 (Westbury). For more info, visit www.familylife.co.za

TOUGH LOVE gives practical support to families being torn apart by unacceptable behaviour, be it alcohol or substance abuse or verbal or physical abuse. 0861 868 445 or www.toughlove.org.za

BELLA VIDA CENTRE is a practice of psychologists. Call 011 463 4438 or see www.bellavidacentre.co.za.