Fading desire? Why January is a breaking point for many couples

January is often a month of reckoning for couples. While the festive season is marketed as a time of connection, therapists consistently see an increase in relationship strain once the celebrations end.

After weeks of hosting, family obligations, and all the madness that goes with the long school holidays, many couples notice an unsettling shift: less touch, less intimacy, and more emotional distance.

According to Dr Michael J. Salas, a licensed professional counsellor-supervisor and certified sex therapist, this drop in desire is common and frequently misunderstood.

“When desire fades in January, people often assume something is wrong with their relationship,” Salas explains. “In reality, it’s often a mix of seasonal stress, emotional fatigue, and unspoken needs coming to the surface.”

Why January is a pressure point for intimacy

With schools finally starting today, many parents are finding their first moment of quiet in weeks.

However, that silence can sometimes expose the gaps that were ignored during the holiday rush.

Several factors contribute to this shift:

• Post-holiday emotional burnout: Weeks of disrupted routines and high expectations leave couples feeling depleted rather than connected.
• The "Januworry" effect: The financial strain of the festive season and school expenses can create a heavy atmosphere that stifles romance.
• Increased digital isolation: After the social demands of December, many people retreat into their phones, where silent scrolling replaces genuine conversation.
• Heightened self-criticism: New Year comparisons and body image concerns can quietly erode confidence and sexual desire.

“These changes don’t mean attraction is gone,” Salas says. “They mean the nervous system is overloaded.”

Don't panic too soon

Many couples equate sexual spontaneity with relationship health. When intimacy becomes less frequent, fear quickly follows.

Salas notes that this panic is often reinforced by unrealistic cultural myths. Research shows that desire naturally evolves in long-term relationships.

“Early passion runs on novelty,” Salas explains. “Long-term desire runs on emotional safety, curiosity, and intention. When couples expect desire to stay effortless forever, they miss the chance to grow into a deeper kind of intimacy.”

When couples stop communicating about these changes, a destructive pattern can take hold.

Physical touch decreases outside the bedroom, resentment builds, and conversations about sex start to feel awkward or even threatening.

“What hurts couples most isn’t the change in desire,” Salas says. “It’s the silence around it.”

Dealing with "underground" desire

Another trigger during this time of year is noticing attraction outside the relationship.

When the connection is low at home, people may become hyper-aware of others’ attention or fleeting crushes.

Salas emphasises that this is a normal human experience and not a betrayal in itself.

“You will notice other people,” he says. “What creates risk is shame and secrecy. When desire isn’t acknowledged, it doesn’t disappear. It goes underground.”

Unchecked, this silence can lead to emotional affairs or a sense of living parallel lives.

Rebuilding attraction

Rather than trying to recreate the early days of a relationship, Salas encourages couples to focus on curiosity and emotional repair.

Now that the house is quiet and the routine is returning, it is the perfect time to reset.

• Talk about desire without blame: Use this newfound peace to have an honest check-in.
• Normalise the transition: Acknowledge that the holiday period was exhausting.
• Prioritise non-sexual touch: Focus on physical closeness that doesn't have an immediate "end goal."
• Address the burnout first: Take the pressure off your sex life until you both feel emotionally regulated.

“Desire rarely comes back through pressure,” Salas says. “It returns when people feel emotionally seen and safe again.”

When a fading sex life is a red flag

A drop in desire alone is not a crisis, but therapists urge couples to seek support if they notice chronic emotional withdrawal, ongoing resentment, or a total avoidance of physical closeness.

“These are signals to get help,” Salas explains. “Not signs to give up.”

January magnifies what is already happening beneath the surface. While the transition back to a normal schedule can be jarring, it is also an opportunity to reconnect.

“Passion doesn’t disappear,” Salas says. “It changes. And couples who learn how to respond to that change often end up more connected than before.”

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