Navigating LGBTQ+ identity: expert guidance for adults seeking clarity and acceptance

It is never too late to become yourself.

In recent years, more adults in their 30s, 40s and 50s are coming out, sharing truths about their sexuality that they may have carried quietly for decades.

Therapists emphasise that this isn’t a sudden trend, but rather a quiet wave that has been building for years.

As social norms shift and conversations about sexuality become more open and compassionate, many people finally feel safe enough to explore parts of themselves they felt forced to push aside when they were younger.

For many, this journey begins after years spent in heterosexual relationships, following the traditional path before realising there was something deeper waiting to be acknowledged.

Many of these adults grew up in environments where being LGBTQ+ was discouraged, dismissed or hidden entirely.

To survive, they followed the expectations of their communities, dating the opposite sex, marrying young or pushing down their confusion.

But as Dr Michael Salas, founder of Vantage Point Counseling, explains, this later-in-life realisation is rarely about dishonesty.

Salas, who specialises in helping clients navigate identity confusion and major relationship changes, offers a compassionate perspective: "Many people assume that if someone comes out later in life, it means they were hiding something on purpose. What I see in therapy is the opposite."

Salas adds, "Most were never given a safe place to explore who they really are. It is not deception. It is self-discovery that finally becomes possible."

Why now? Understanding the timing

If you or someone you love is navigating this, it is helpful to understand why this realisation often happens later in life.

"It is rarely a sudden change, but rather a response to years of complex factors," Salas shares.  

• Cultural or religious pressure: Many adults grew up in households where same-sex attraction was viewed as shameful. This often leads people to instinctively shut down parts of themselves without even realising they are doing it.
• A lack of language: If you are in your 30s or 40s, you likely grew up before social media and open LGBTQ+ education existed. Without the vocabulary or representation to understand your feelings, it is difficult to define them.
• Trauma and safety: For some, disconnecting from sexuality was a survival mechanism due to trauma or fear. It often takes the stability of adulthood to feel safe enough to reconnect with those feelings.
• Major life shifts: Events like divorce, parenthood or career changes can act as a mirror, forcing us to reflect on who we really are and what we need to be happy.
• Fluidity is real: Researchers remind us that sexuality isn't always fixed. For some, orientation can shift or become clearer as they evolve and grow older.

5 gentle steps for navigating identity

If you are questioning your identity, know that there is no "right" way to do this. Salas recommends these simple, compassionate steps to guide you:

1. Permit yourself to pause: Identity does not need to be clear overnight. Give yourself the gift of time. Slow, honest reflection is not only helpful, but it is also essential.
2. Don't do it alone: Process your feelings with a therapist or a trusted, supportive friend. Having a space where you can speak without judgment is vital for clarity.
3. Separate fear from identity: It is common to mistake anxiety, guilt or shame for confusion. A therapist can help you untangle these emotions so you can see your true self more clearly.
4. Hold off on big decisions: When emotions are high, try to avoid making sudden, life-altering choices about your marriage or coming out publicly. Allow the dust to settle first.
5. Labels are tools, not rules: You do not need to define everything right away. The goal is simply to understand yourself better. Use labels if they help you, but don't feel trapped by them.

The power of support

Ultimately, the most important factor in this journey is connection. As Salas notes, support is one of the biggest healing factors.

"When people feel supported, they are more confident in expressing their identity without shame. When they feel alone, they often shut down or hide parts of themselves for years. That is why open conversations matter.

"They give people the chance to understand themselves with compassion instead of fear."