The breakup timeline myth: why there’s no ‘right way’ to move on

Figuring out when you will finally feel like "you" again after a split is a complicated journey many can relate to. The quest often feels like pursuing an illusion, a specific date on the calendar that promises relief from heartache.

Society, especially in the digital age, is riddled with opinions on how long it should take to "get over it". From TikTok's viral "three-month" rule to more complex theories like the "half-the-length-of-the-relationship" guideline, everyone seems to have something to say, but does any of it ring true?

One minute, a couple looks like the blueprint for forever; the next, fans are refreshing timelines, counting months and whispering, "Who moved on first?”

We saw it play out after the widely discussed split between Siya Kolisi and Rachel Kolisi, once considered South Africa’s relationship gold standard, and again when Black Coffee stepped into a new chapter after a messy public divorce.

Social media treated their timelines like case studies, but psychologists say the real story isn’t when people move on; it’s how.

A look through psychological research reveals that recovery timelines are far from rigid. A notable 2007 study indicated that many people begin to feel better around the 11th week post-breakup, yet researchers urged that there’s no definitive endpoint in these matters.

Other surveys imply that while short-term flings may take approximately 3.5 months to recover from, the journey following a divorce can stretch up to a year and a half.

Such wide-ranging timelines highlight a crucial truth: heartbreak isn’t a mathematical equation but a messy blend of memory, emotion, attachment and identity.

The social media era has further complicated this emotional terrain. Witnessing an ex's "hard launch" of a new relationship while you’re still grappling with the pain can feel like emotional whiplash.

As we dissect the narratives around breakups, we spoke to Katlego Mlambo, a counselling psychologist at the South African College of Applied Psychology, to understand why recovery is sorely subjective and deeply personal.

Why do some bounce back while others stay stuck?

Mlambo elaborates on the key difference between those who heal and those who feel trapped in their memories.

“Healing tends to move forward, albeit slowly, while holding on often feels stagnant, with a fixation on the other person,” she explains.

Psychologists have identified three primary factors that influence the duration of heartbreak:

• Your ability to process grief: Avoiding emotions doesn't erase pain; it merely postpones it.
• Healthy distractions: Seeking comfort in hobbies and friendships helps reconstruct a life outside the shared identity.
• Reclaiming identity: Breakups disrupt the self; healing begins with rediscovering who you are as an individual.

Attachment styles: the hidden force behind moving on

If you've found yourself wondering why your partner seemingly bounces back within a month while you're left feeling stuck for a year, attachment styles could hold the answer. These patterns, developed during early life, significantly affect how we navigate love and loss.

Mlambo explains that fear-driven attachments can make moving forward feel nearly impossible. “When attachment is based on fear rather than love, it often results in contraction rather than openness. If staying in the relationship feels more about the fear of loneliness than love, that may indicate anxious attachment.”

Three main attachment styles impact recovery:

• Anxious attachment: Individuals often struggle to let go, obsessively replaying memories and hoping for reconciliation.
• Avoidant attachment: These individuals may appear to move on quickly but often suppress their emotions. The grief usually resurfaces in subsequent relationships.
• Secure attachment: They process the grief, embrace the pain, and gradually regain their emotional stability without losing their sense of self.

“Moving on too quickly can sometimes be a mechanism to avoid the emotional toll of loss,” Mlambo asserts, reiterating that unresolved grief tends to resurface, often as anxiety or emotional numbness.

A "rebound" might look like a win on the outside, but it’s often just someone running as fast as they can to escape the pain they haven't dealt with yet.

Healing vs holding on: how to tell the difference

One of the most challenging questions to answer is whether you are genuinely healing or merely waiting for a text that may never come. Mlambo recommends a simple diagnostic question: “Is my energy gradually returning to me, or is it still invested in them?”

Signs of healing include:

• Thinking about your ex without an immediate emotional reaction.
• Rebuilding personal routines that are solely your own.
• Experiencing moments of calm that do not hinge on external stimuli.

Conversely, signs of holding on look like the following:

• Constantly replaying past arguments in search of different outcomes.
• Stalking their new partner on social media.
• Feeling emotionally stagnant, as if trapped in the moment the relationship ended.

At the end of the day, moving on doesn’t mean you have to forget everything that happened.

Whether you’re a world-famous athlete or just a regular person dealing with the daily grind, there’s no "right" schedule for healing. It’s really just about taking your power back and moving forward without letting your past keep you stuck in a dark place.