Heteropessimism: Why so many women are giving up on men

My best friend and I caught up recently. She’s been looking for love and I think I’ve found it, but we both have the same rally cry. “I’m just tired.” 

It’s a sentiment that comes up again and again when women talk about dating men today. Tired of ghosting. Tired of emotional unavailability. Tired of performing, explaining, and shrinking. From group chats to therapy rooms to social media confessionals, a new wave of disillusionment is sweeping through heterosexual dating. It has a name: heteropessimism.

Coined by scholar Asa Seresin in 2019, heteropessimism refers to the act of “performatively lamenting the problems of heterosexuality without actually questioning it as a structure.” This reminds me of a friend I had at university who used to look at things and say, ‘But what does it mean?’

In simpler terms? It’s the habit of women declaring that men are trash, while continuing to date them mostly out of habit, hope, or social expectation.

What started as a meme has turned into a movement. More women are not only questioning individual men, but they’re also questioning the entire structure of heterosexual relationships, and what it asks of them emotionally, mentally, and socially. 

This has powerful implications for the future of love, intimacy, and masculinity.

The rise of heteropessimism didn’t happen overnight. It’s been building slowly, through years of disappointing dates, toxic relationship dynamics, and unmet emotional needs. For many women, dating has become a minefield of red flags and lowered expectations.

The pattern is familiar:

• He can’t communicate but expects loyalty.
• He’s emotionally distant but sexually demanding.
• He wants a partner, but not the work of partnership.
• And certainly, no commitment.

Women are increasingly asking themselves: Is this it? Is this what I’m supposed to settle for?

“I don’t want to mother a man,” says Ayanda, 41, a social worker from Pretoria. “I want to build with someone, not coach them through basic emotional skills.”

This disillusionment isn’t just personal, it’s generational. A growing number of young women express doubt that heterosexual relationships can ever meet their emotional needs. Online, this is reflected in hashtags like #MenAreTheProblem, #FeralGirlSummer, or more sarcastically, #StraightPeopleProblems.

But behind the humour is a deeper truth: women are tired of showing up fully while receiving crumbs in return.

At the heart of heteropessimism is a crisis of masculinity.

For decades, traditional masculine norms, stoicism, dominance, emotional restraint have been rewarded. Vulnerability was feminised. Empathy was optional. Men were taught to provide, not to process.

The result? A generation of men who struggle with emotional intimacy, conflict resolution, and accountability. Skills essential to healthy modern relationships.

This emotional gap is driving many women away not just from individual men, but from heterosexuality itself. Some are exploring same-sex relationships or identifying as bisexual later in life. Others are choosing celibacy, singlehood, or platonic cohabitation over the unpredictability of dating men.

“It’s not that I hate men,” says Fikile, 38, a teacher and divorcee. “It’s just that I don’t trust them to meet me emotionally. And I’m not willing to gamble with my peace anymore.”

This isn’t misandry. It’s a reflection of the emotional labour imbalance that has defined many straight relationships for decades and women are finally opting out.

One of the core issues driving heteropessimism is the unequal distribution of emotional labour, the unseen effort of managing feelings, maintaining connection, and creating harmony in a relationship.

In most heterosexual partnerships, women are expected to:

• Notice and address conflict
• Remember birthdays and family obligations
• Initiate difficult conversations
• Process their partner’s emotions and their own

Meanwhile, many men have never been taught how to sit with discomfort, apologise sincerely, or express vulnerability without shame.

The result is a relational imbalance where women feel like therapists, mothers, or emotional punching bags instead of equals. And that’s not sustainable.

As author Bell Hooks once wrote: “When men are willing to change the way they love, women will stop running.”

Modern technology has only amplified this problem. 

Dating apps promise unlimited choice but often deliver shallow interactions and disappointment. Ghosting, breadcrumbing, and casual cruelty have become normalised especially from men who’ve been socialised to avoid accountability.

Heteropessimism thrives in this digital landscape. When meaningful connections are rare and misogyny is one swipe away, cynicism becomes a shield.

Some women are choosing to disengage entirely. The rise of “dating fatigue,” “relationship burnout,” and “low libido toward men” isn’t about dysfunction—it’s a form of self-protection.

As one viral tweet put it: “I’m not single because I’m hard to love. I’m single because I love myself too much to beg a man to do the bare minimum.”

Heteropessimism might sound bleak, but it holds a powerful key: expectations are shifting.

Women are no longer tolerating emotional neglect as a norm. They’re demanding more. More intimacy, more honesty, more equality. That’s not pessimism. That’s progress.

The good news?

Some men are listening. We’re seeing growing conversations around “emotional fitness,” “healthy masculinity,” and “relational accountability.” Podcasts, books, and therapy spaces are encouraging men to unlearn toxic masculinity and embrace vulnerability.

Men who do this work are not just better partners, they’re happier, healthier humans.

“The best thing I ever did was go to therapy,” says Kabelo, 40, a father of two and HR manager. “I realised I wasn’t showing up in my marriage. I thought being a provider was enough. It wasn’t.”

His wife agrees. “When he started opening up, really listening, it changed everything.”

What heteropessimism reveals is a turning point. Not the end of love between men and women, but a demand to do love differently.

Relationships can survive and thrive but only if built on mutual growth, not gendered defaults. That means:

• Men doing the emotional work
• Women holding firm boundaries
• Partnerships rooted in equity, not tradition

It also means rejecting outdated narratives: that men are “just wired this way,” or that women should lower their standards to avoid being alone. These are myths designed to keep imbalance in place.

Real intimacy requires courage from both sides.

*Sharon Gordon is the brains behind the Lola Montez Brand leads the adult entertainment industry and has revolutionised the way business is done. From conceptualisation, to brand exposure and product development. Lola Montez is currently a upmarket boutique in Sandton, Johannesburg with services including events, parties, education and e-commerce.