Opinion - I felt useless. A disappointment to everyone but, above all else, I felt stupid, not just stupid but dumb. I just couldn't get it.
On the one hand I was winning acting and writing competitions and on the other, I was teased profusely and made fun of for always coming last in class.
In fact, I was voted the first person who will end up getting married and having children. No one could see me do anything else with my life.
Added to that I had a gorgeous and exceedingly brilliant sister, who came home with only straight As and awards that filled the lounge cabinet, while I came home with Es and Ds and even an F for maths on standard grade.
Matric was the hardest for me. I tried so hard but after each paper I wrote in that final exam, I carried the extreme fear I failed.
After all I was stupid. I lacked any intelligence.
Waiting for those matric results were the most terrifying weeks of my life.
I remember even packing a bag to run away or if not, then I would kill myself.
While everyone praised my sister and had high hopes for her brilliance even believing she would become the country's first female president, nobody bothered with me. Why would they?
I had let them down time and again by my dismal academic performance. I somehow did get a Bachelor's pass in matric but was already so broken because I still felt I was a complete failure.
Then my aunty Carrie said to me: “Tash, focus on your talents and special gifts. Those will lead you to your dreams coming true.”
And yes, I did have so many dreams. I wanted to travel the world, touch lives and live a life of purpose, not hopelessness.
Concentrate on your talents. And those talents were my personality. I knew I had a special ability to communicate with people and positively impact them.
I knew I could write in a way that touches the soul.
I knew that, although I was a failure at school, I wasn't a failure in life.
I knew I could dance better than anyone I knew and I knew that the only person who mattered was me because my life, and what it turned into, depended on me.
Twenty-five years down the line and with all humility, I was on the drive time show for years, on the most successful radio station in KZN, with people who were considered icons.
I have written some of the most highly-acclaimed articles in the country, given an award of excellence by my old school for raising the flag high for them, as one of their alumni.
I have received many qualifications. This year, along with some of the most influential women in this country, including our deputy mayor Fawzia Peer, Zandole Mandela and Caster Semenya, I was recognised and awarded for being a Woman of Power and Excellence.
Over the years I have been interviewed by stations around the world. China and India named me a Woman of Worth and Excellence. My writing has been read and shared thousands of times the world over.
I have helped hundreds of women turn their pain into power when I founded Widowed SA.
I travelled to many countries dancing even for kings and presidents, gave talks at some of the most prestigious events and wrote books for some of the most high profile people in the world, as well as interviewed some of the most famous people in the world.
Oh and yes, I also actually did get married and have children as well. How? Because I refused to be defeated and to prove everyone right.
I was a waitress at restaurants, packed groceries in supermarkets and even dressed like a clown, giving out balloons at street corners to earn money so I could make my life better.
Life is always what you make it, not what others make it for you. You are your own hero, your own best contact and your own greatest strength.
We can choose to live in fear but as Joyce Meyer says: “Fear is false evidence appearing real.”
Or you can be that person who stands up and, rather than let the fear of failing hold you back, forget everything and rise.
We are all meant to shine and we will because we have special gifts. That's our greatest weapon. Never lose hope.
I mean look at Thomas Edison and even Bill Gates, both school drop outs but they changed the world.
We concentrate so much on others' expectations of us but we need to focus on our own expectations first.
All things come together for those who choose to believe. And that's what we always need to do for ourselves first.
Choose life. Never give up. Your time to shine will come.
